The Sovereign State of I

Thanks to a dear client that shared this proclamation with me...

"I am a country with borders and limits. I know where I begin and end. 

I don't have leaky boundaries. When you come into the

presence of my sovereign state of I, you know it. You know exactly 

what to expect. I decide who will enter and who will leave my territory.

I must protect myself. No one else can.

I am surrounded by other sovereign states of I. They respect my strong

border fortifications and I respect theirs. We enjoy constant profitable

interchange. I don't extend my borders by infringing upon theirs. Only

strangers (who don't realize that I am ever-vigilant) transgress. They are

immediately turned away by my alert patrols.

I am a sovereign state. I glory in my I-dom. My country is unique. 

There has never been and never will be another like it. My job is seeing

that harmony and balance prevails within my state. This means keeping

my territory operating at maximum potential, fulfilling its purpose. 

Because it is a full-time job, I have no time to mind the affairs of other

I-doms. I am clear as to what my business is and what it is not. I do what

gives me the most joy. I do what feels natural and right to me. I decide

what and when to decide or if I want to decide. I make my own rules

and break my own rules as I wish. My country has visitors, but I limit

them because I need alone time. I need time to enjoy my own presence, 

to meditate, to listen to my inner wisdom-- time to know myself. I am

not my sensations, not my emotions, not my thoughts, not my will--

but a sovereign, working in unity with all of them. My solitude is crucial 

to my self-understanding, Without knowing my needs, I can't make wise

decisions. I sometimes receive pleas from other nations, states that are 

ravaged from within and without, countries that have not yet found their

I-dom. They want my time, money, strength, information, wisdom, and

sometimes even my integrity. They beg to be rescued from their

blindness, their blunders, their pain. Only they can reclaim their selfhood.

All I can do is be a good example and share my experience. Before I agree

to any requests and invitations, I make sure that I have taken care of my 

prime responsibility--me. I'm offered great opportunities-- more than I can

invest in-- so I choose carefully. I develop my resources as wisely as I can, 

making sure there's a balance of work, rest, and play. I'm careful not to grow

too fast. Development must be passed because change takes time to absorb.

I move at a rhythm that is right for me. One of my favorite words is no.

Things were not always this way. My I-dom was not yet firmly established.

Because I was needy and vulnerable, I was overrun by invaders who pulled

me from deand to demand, from should to should, scattered me in a thousand 

directions. Eventually I rebelled, expelled the aliens, and reclaimed my territory.

There were also civil wars--a country divided against itself. Thankfully, when I was

in danger of breakdown, my body and mind realized the importance of letting

themselves be guided by my spirit. The negative inner voicers withered away.

The sun of acceptance, now released from clouds of doubt and self-hate, shines

brightly and fosters creativity. The soil, which had eroded from cruelty and carelessness,

blooms once more. Along with great individuality, there is unity and singleness of purpose.

The river of accomplishment flows more effortlessly. The right people are attracted here

and they produce synergy. There is joy in my land, joy I haven't known since

the early days of my state. Because of those terrible decades of being at the mercy

of outsiders and inner demons, 

I daily realize the importance of nurturing my nation's interests."

Author Unknown

Are you satisfied?

It has been quite a long while since my last post. But to update on my life I am now a college graduate, a Licensed Social Worker, and have my first full time job at a group home for youth. I'm writing today because of how much I adored the sermon at my church a few hours ago (which I only get to go to once in a blue moon because of my not so norm work schedule).

This sermon discussed finding full satisfaction in life. Which, if you are a Christian, is something that is most likely discussed around and around in bible studies, or from those you look up to spiritually, and friends etc. It really hit home for me today as I am in a very amazing, changing, heart aching, confusing, and adventurous stage in my life as a young adult. I can basically go any path I want from here, nothing holding me back, no family I have to be raising etc.  I realize how guilty I am of looking for satisfaction in other things besides Jesus, as we all are. I look for it in the success of my job, my abilities to do my work well,in my relationships with friends, in things I can now purchase (because I have an income -sorta), my physical health with working out and eating well, and just in the ins and outs of everyday living. Although it is not wrong to have these things in my life, and participate in them to feel a sense of purpose and well-being, BUT they cannot be what I turn to for my ultimate satisfaction in life.  I feel I have been attempting to be more spiritually involved now that school isn't taking up most of my time, but when I really look at situations in my life I see that I'm not always turning to God whatever my circumstance. I sometimes look at the success of my day, or how productive I've been equal how satisfied I am with myself. I humbly admit that no matter how well my work day went, or if I'm having trouble in my relationships at home that Jesus will ultimately be what truly satisfies me. I believe it is true that I can feel completely whole even when my emotions are churning and my life seems to be in shambles if I look to something other than myself and the things this world tells me will fill me. 

I'm writing this as a reminder to myself, but also to possibly inspire others to look within themselves. If you are struggling with purpose, if your life isn't going the way you want, if the little things that go wrong during the day instantly turn your thoughts to "my whole day is ruined", then I challenge you, Christian or non-Christian, to think maybe there is something bigger out there. Every single thing that we human beings turn to in this world for happiness and satisfaction is temporary. Everything we turn to for satisfaction like money, sex, possessions, family relationships, significant others, only satisfy us to a point and also hurt us.  In fact, it is not even Biblical that we are promised happiness in this life, but we are promised everlasting joy, and peace of mind in our hearts when we turn to Jesus. My pastor mentioned today that God created us to NOT be able to be completely satisfied in this world BECAUSE He wants us to turn to Him, and truly experience satisfaction that has no end through Him.

The sermon shared this verse from John regarding a story of an outcast Samaritan woman getting water at a well (it was very against culture for Jews to speak to Samaritans, but Jesus is all about breaking cultural norms):

John 4:13-14

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty [water from the well] again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Philippians 4:11-13

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” -C.S. Lewis

I'll make it to the other side

   I find myself in a dark place again. A dark place I haven't been to before, but with strange familiarities. I don't have time in my life right now to deal with this, but I will. I won't let this control my everyday life. I can't. I'm filled with shame, fear, hurt, confusion, but still I hope. I know I've seen parts of this place before, and I've found my way out, again and again. I know what I need to do, but this takes time. It takes lots of time. As I come back to my life at school it has become harder to shield what I haven't dealt with. I find myself more emotional than I've been in awhile. I feel weak, but I still have my sparks of hope. I know I have so much to look forward to and new things to stumble upon, and its exciting and terrifying. I know other people have been here before, and have gotten through it. Fortunately, so fortunately, I've been learning so much about my Jesus in the past year of my life that this weight seems a little lighter to bear. I don't know when it will get better, or how, but it will. It's okay to hurt through the hope. To feel hope stronger than hurt is a new thing to me. I have the power to be on my knees, but still push through. I can still be sitting here with tears in my eyes and an ache in the depths of my being and still see a little bit of the sun. I know it's there. I know it's because of my faith that I can have this hope through my hurting. I am a conqueror. I am an overcomer. I WILL OVERCOME. I have a new strength in my weakness. I'm going to take in this valley, and use it. I'm going to use it learn about myself, and my God. I'm going to use it to apply the strengths that I've always questioned if I have. I will hope through my hurt. I will overcome.

Intentional

Since It has been forever and a day since my last blog post I thought it would be good to finally get my thoughts in writing again…
    It's been since August that I last wrote on here, and I can't say I'm where I was then, but I'm happy where I am now (finally). I came off my mountain-top from my amazing experience in Seattle quite quickly as school got busy, and with life happening. I started falling back into my pit of doubt, and insecurity with my relationship with God again and just my life in general. However, I have this new mindset in life that I refuse to go back to where I was in life where I let anxiety/depression decide for me if I'm happy, or not. Although I haven't gotten as low as I've been, I can't say I haven't struggled somedays, but just cause the sun isn't shining doesn't mean it isn't right behind the clouds.
     This semester I've started a complete new journey in my life: clean eating. I'm not the person to think of myself as "fat", but I'd like to be happy with what I see when I look in the mirror. With the help of my brother, and a couple of close friends I'm in week twelve of my "diet" and have lost about 15 lbs. I can see some change which makes me super happy, but it's not without a lot of work. I meal prep on Sundays for the entire week, and make sure I get all my lifting/cardio in for the week. Along with that new part of my life, dancing is in full swing for MY Senior Show. I cannot believe this will be my last dance performance in college. I get to finally do a solo, and I'm really excited for all the other dances I get to be a part of. I'm also very happy to officially let the social media world know that I will be returning to Seattle this summer as student staff, and have my practicum placement set at the Minnesota Correctional Facility for Juveniles in Red Wing for the fall as my last semester of school before graduating.
   With all this craziness of eating, dancing, working out, and school I know I NEED to take care of myself. So getting to the title of this post; I've recently been working on being intentional with everything I do. The last two weeks of my life have been very happy because I go into everyday with an attitude that all the interactions, and things I have to do for that day matter. My main thing is intentionally making time for God everyday. Sometimes I feel like it's force because I can always think of something else I "need" to do, but I know if I'm not taking the time for Him, each day would be a struggle. Life is a lot easier when I give Him the weight on my shoulders. I know that getting time for God everyday is what has changed my level of happiness. He literally carries me through each day. I wouldn't be able to handle the dieting, working out, and crazy school schedule without him. Being intentional about everything I do makes life mean more to me, and I won't settle for a mediocre life. This new change in my life will be the growth I need as a person, and as a Christian as I go into the summer and head back to Seattle in a leadership position.

The Pinterest Life

      So today was my first day of classes as a junior at WSU. It's crazy to think I only have a year and a half left of my college career. I know with each year comes new transitions, and many changes. This year will definitely be different because I am different. I am forever changed by my experience in Seattle. I'm reminded everyday of my experiences, and it basically comes down to this: Jesus is my heart, and what will truly satisfy me whether I feel like He will or not. Any satisfaction I find in "worldly" things are temporary, and I need to remember that. It was really easy to stay close to God in my last month and a half of summer because I had the time plus my "spiritual high" from Seattle was still present. I also hope that through the person I am people will wonder why I am the way I am, and realize that it is Jesus that brings true joy. Even with only one day of classes down I can tell spending time with God will need to be a conscious decision I make. I want to be better, and different. I can't say I haven't messed up because I have and always will, but thank God for His good graces. So the point of this blog is to share what I found during my pinterest surfing that inspired me to write this blog. These pictures basically express my feelings towards this school year, my hope,s and hopefully will inspire you as well.

                                                 

2 Weeks

    That's how long it's been since I left my Seattle home. I left an amazing group of people, and city that changed my heart just 14 short days ago. It absolutely blows my mind. This summer is coming to a close soon, but I would go all the way back to June 15th when I was boarding my plane into what blew every expectation I had out of the water all over again, and again. I think of all the correction officers, homeless, children, and inmates that we worked with on the daily. I'm constantly running memories through my head. I just never ever want to forget what I learned in those 4 short weeks.

   One of the biggest affects that Seattle had on me was bringing my focus back on Jesus. I had been doing my Christian thing so long that it just started wearing off, and I knew it. Before I went to Seattle I was honestly just going for the Corrections internship, and the prison ministry. I basically told myself to get through the rest of the other ministry work, and put on my Christian good girl act so my team wouldn't know about the horrible person I was. Well, little did I know God was going to work on my heart the entire trip. The 3rd week of the trip is when God finally broke me down, and said, "You NEED me, stop living life half-way for me. I CREATED you, and want to GIVE you a life you can never give to yourself." And you know what else he said??? He said, "I love you. I'm going to love you forever, no matter how far you stray from me, no matter how many stupid choices you make. No matter how big of a mess you are, I WANT that mess. I'm going to love you. I'm going to give you something out of this world, just let this world go." I had slowly been losing my core faith in the past year, whether I knew it or not. I started questioning everything I stood for. I started searching for rational reasons that I should believe in a God. I wanted to believe in God, but my heart was not there. God brought me back to Him.

   I've started reading a book called, Why Should Anyone Believe Anything At All by James Sire to get more insight, and try to figure out how to make my belief my own, and not just what I've been told my whole life. I've been trying to read God's Word everyday, and praying often. It's definitely a struggle to read everyday, but I know that just a few minutes in His word can change my entire mind set for the day, and it truly keeps me closer to Him. I know when I was far from Him, reading His Word was something I definitely avoided if I could so that could be a huge factor in why I couldn't find myself in Him again. I can't say I haven't stumbled at all. Not. Even. Close, but my thinking is completely new. I'm working to fully understand what Jesus did, and His love for me, and it's giving me a whole new outlook on what my sins do. Jesus literally took everything that made me dirty, and made it his own. How can I not give my life to a God that loves me like that, and created the whole entire universe?! 

     I've also been looking at what it means to be "in the world, but not of it". It's SO hard in this world to not give in to the everyday "pleasures" that people overlook in their daily lives. It's SO hard to be a human being, born into a world of temptations and evil, and try to live for a perfect God. I know in my heart that the fun things of this world won't last. Every piece of happiness, and pleasure I get from anything of this world is temporary. I want something that is eternal. I want something bigger. I want something more. There are many things that my flesh wants me to do so that I can be like everyone else. Everyone parties all the time, does drugs, gossips, and lusts after things. These things are what tempt my heart, but I don't want them anymore. My God is worth more to me than them. And it is God that I want. This world is nothing. I'm here to live the life on this earth that God wants from me, until He calls me to my eternal home. I know that only He can give me true, and pure happiness. 

     It's definitely hard being around people everyday who don't have this mind set. The "come on Jamie, it's not a big deal, it'll be fun.", is definitely something I've been hearing, and will be hearing a lot. People will look at me different, they will think I'm weird, and have changed for the worse. But I will remain strong, knowing my God is bigger. I also have an amazing community of people from Seattle that want to keep me accountable, and back me up 100%, and I love them for that. I feel like a brand new baby Christian. I've also found that I LOVE talking about Seattle. I love coming home, and having people ask me about it because it makes me sooooo excited to share with them the amazing things I experienced. This new journey I'm embarking on will not be easy, but I have a God who's out of this world, and is going to lead me through it.

An Inside Look: WCCW

7/8/13

       Today was our first day at the Washington Correctional Center for Women (WCCW). It felt like we were in the middle of no where. The campus was surrounded by tall fences, and barbed wire all around the top. We had to each sign in at the from desk, walk through a metal detector, get wanded down, and get an invisible stamp put on so when we leave they put it under a black light to make sure we aren't an inmate who is escaping. We also had to wear our DOC badges. The chaplain for the prison, who most call "chappy", but I call him Larry, is quite the character, and I really enjoy talking to him, and him sharing his experiences while working here. This prison has numerous unit in it: high security (CCU-Close Circuit Unit), medium security, minimal security (where mothers are also housed), mental health, and receiving. There are also different levels within each "pod". The pod is just the area where all the inmates hang out, which contains their dayroom, and all their rooms. There are level 1, and 2 in the CCU, and 3, and 4 in medium security. The higher the number you are the more privileges, and freedom you have. It all just depends on your behavior. Inmates wear gray sweatpants, and gray t-shirts. They also wear a badge with their picture, and DOC identification number. I wanted to start in the CCU because that's where those who have behavioral issues usually ended up. I walked in, and was kinda nervous, but I made eye contact with several people at one table, and decided that I mind as well go for it. There were several ladies there: Dana, Tabitha, Chrissie, Heather, Sheral, and Kayla. They didn't really seem scary or intimidating like I expected. They were pretty open to talk about anything. Eventually I did ask them if they were Christian, and all of them were except for two. One of them follows her Native American religion, and the other, Kayla, is just opened to learning about all different types of religions. She seemed really interested in my Bible, and what I had to say, but she was also working at the time so she couldn't really sit down and talk much. She did sign up to come watch the movie with us on Thursday (which I explain later). So I'm glad I'll still have a change to see her.
    The girls at my table were all just really normal people. None of them have life sentences, so they're just serving out their charges (which was mostly some type of burglary). Their days in the prison is basically watching, tv, working, taking classes, exercise classes, listening to music, and just hanging out with the other inmates. We did talk about God a little bit. I just asked them how their faith got them through each day, being they are in the situation that they're in. They all gave pretty practical answers. Since they were already Christians, it was hard for me to keep the convo on God going because they already know the basics. I basically just talked to them about whatever they wanted. We talked about their lives outside of prison, family, children, job aspirations, education aspirations, if they work, what they do during the day, and what classes they're taking at the prison. A lot of them also wanted to know about me which is really cool. They really like having us to talk to, someone who genuinely just wants to talk, and not just another inmate. Some dont even get visitors.. One thing we did talk about was how their faith gets them through being here. A lot of them understand the mistake they made, deal with it and serve their time. I gave at my table the Do You Want to know God Personally booklet and the Spirit-Filled Life booklet (tools that Cru uses). I just figured it would be good references for them to have because I know that those little booklets helped me a lot too.
      We were suppose to get done talking with them at 11:20, which is the movement time (movement time is at :20 for inmates to go to jobs, programs, work out, clean etc.), but we didn't leave until around 11:40 because we weren't sure if we were suppose to leave without an officer with us. Nothing wrong with more time spent with the inmates though. We ate our sack lunches on the bus, then went back out to the pods at 1. We also got to see the shift change of officers. At that time inmates must be locked in their rooms so the current officer can explain to the officer coming in for their shift what has been going on, and what needs to be done etc. When that was over the inmates came out, but a lot of the level 1's were at the gym. Those were the ones I talked to before so I had to go find other people. I would've liked to establish more of a relationship, but I can't do much to change the prison schedule. Bender, Maddie, and myself talked to a women named, Audrena. She use to be an alcoholic, has been in prison 3 times, and is just working to turn her life around. Throughout the week we are suppose to be telling inmates about the movie we're showing on Thursday. It's called, Magdelina. I've never seen it before, but it is like The Jesus Film (the entire story of Jesus' life), but from a women's perspective. In the afternoon on Thursday we're also having small groups to just discuss the movie. In order for inmates to go they must write up the request on a Kite sheet, which is basically just a program the inmates use to request to do certain things.
    It's so difficult to put into words what I learned with just one day in the prison. I know for a fact that the inmates are more inspiring to me than I am to them. You can't say you know what a prisons like until you actually go in and talk to inmates. This prison wasn't all grungy and dirty like you see on tv, it is actually one of the best facilities in the US. While talking to the inmates they mentioned how much drug use goes on inside prison walls, which blows my mind since to get into the prison who have to go through so many searches and meet qualifications. One of the main things I learned is that they are people too. If you treat them with respect, they will treat you with respect. We have no right to talk down to them, or think we're better than them. During my time at the DOC, one of my officers told me that we're all just one mistake away from being in their shoes. Which is shockingly true. Some of the stories of these women is so crazy because it could easily happen to me too.  
It's so amazing that I get this experience working with offenders, being I'm a social work major, not many people can say they've interacted with this population unless they've already worked there. I also found something very interesting, one of the other girls on my team had an inmate tell her that a lot of women are "gay for the stay." So even though these women might have husbands on the outside, they are basically temporarily homosexual because they long for companionship. When you really think about it, I can see where that could easily happen especially when you're in there for several years. We are human, and humans are naturally sexual beings, and we aren't meant to be alone. So seeing why women would turn to other women for that outlet is pretty easy to see. Drama in prison is a lot like drama in high school, a lot of "he said, she said", who's stealing whos girlfriend, who's talking begins whos back, who got more of something than someone else. Just a lot of jealousy, which all girls are really good at. We talked to a CCO about safety here for the prisoners, and the staff as well and she said that at womens prisons there are fights and stuff but it's at mens prisons when it becomes more dangerous because men are capable of banning together and rioting, but honestly women don't usually get along enough when they're mad to be able to work together to form a plan. Which I can definitely see why that is.        
     Another CCO officer was telling us some personal thoughts on his job and he was just negative and seemed burnt out. I hope I never lose my drive in seeing hope in people. I always want to believe people can change and that I am making a difference. It sounds cheezy and childish but I never want to lose my " I want to change the world" voice. It is what keeps my passion alive and on fire. That is why Im going into this field.It almost worries me that it doesn't bother me that I'm talking to someone that may have raped someone, molested their child, or killed someone. They're just people to me. It is good though that I can talk to them without being consumed with the thought that they're "monsters" because they're not. Not that I approve of the choices that they have made, but it is just our human condition. It's such a cool thing that so many people find Christ in prison because they get to such a low point that they see trying the whole God thing as the only option to turn their lives around.
    I definitely wanna check out medium security tomorrow because that's where a lot of lifers (those with life sentences) are because there's no point in acting out and getting into the high security unit if you're going to be there for life, so they try to get as much freedom as they can.
P.s. We get to ride the ferry home every night from the prisons, and it was my first time and I loveddddd it!! :D

DNA Group that night:

  Best DNA group meeting ever!!!! Tonight each of us confessed out loud, all 9 of us, the sins that we needed to confess to God. It sounds crazy and weird, but it was the best thing ever. We were all nervous, but it was the most free I've ever felt. I said things to these girls that I have never said out loud to myself. I trust these girls with everything I have. There's a verse that talks about confessing to one another, and that's exactly what we did. It made me realize the community I have here, and the accountability I can have once we leave here too. There's also a verse that says that there is no sin uncommon to man. It's amazing how 9 girls from all over the country can come together and be having the exact same issue, even though you yourself thinks its a bizzare sin to have. You could go into a room with a complete stranger, and I can bet you my life that you and that person will have a sin in common, even when you think you're alone.This trip has honestly changed my life. I may be starting over with my faith but coming on this project was the best choice I've ever made. Learning to love myself, and my God again has been and will continue to be an incredible journey. I'm at the beginning of letting go of the Christian I was in high school, and discovering the Christian I want to be now. Even though the people here on project seem so spirit-filled and like they have it all together, we are human, with the same struggles. Christians aren't perfect, we are such broken people. I find so much comfort in knowing that.

7/9/13

       This morning was absolutely amazing!! I went to the medium security unit in hoping to find a lifer, but the first lady we talked to ended up being the lady we spent the whole morning with. Her name was, Rondala M. She seemed super out going and Celeste and myself sat down with her right away. She basically just asked what we were doing here. We explained what Cru was, that it's a ministry, and what we've been doing the past month. She then said, "well I have a few questions.." She ended up digging deep into her story and what has brought her here. She's a Christian, but has two felony charges on record, she doesn't get out for 6 more years, but she knows that once she's out she can't come back to prison, if she gets one more felony charge she's in for life (the 3 strike rule). She's ready for an ultimate change in her life. She struggles with anger, self harm, depression, drugs, and alcohol. She spent a lot of her 20s doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and being in the streets around the gang life. She does have a family and 7 kids. She wants to be a real mother to her kids, and completely rely on God. She doesn't want to be where she use to be. She got pretty emotional at one point because she doesn't want prison to be what her life ends up as. She wants to actually have a life. I felt like I was just rambling sentences off to her. Like I honestly don't remember what I was saying, but I know it was very biblical and I guess sounded good. It was definitely the Spirit in me. And I'm not one to say that often, but I really think God was giving me the words to say. I must still be on my high from DNA group from last night. The whole morning was simply amazing. She went to her room to get her bible, and we started looking at our bibles, her favorite verse is Psalm 119. Her mother's death anniversary is coming up, along with her mothers birthday and she's really worried that she isn't going to be strong enough to not break and hurt herself. I'm really hoping that in the afternoon I can show her some verses to keep her strong when she feels weak. I really hope she is able to stay strong in her plan. I fell in love with this woman. I felt like I was playing the counselor role and I absolutely loved it. We invited her to the Magdalena movie on Thursday so Im hoping that can build up this strength she has going for her. We also went through some of the Spirit filled life booklet and knowing God personally. I really think those will be good references for her as well

          After lunch my plan was to go back to the pod where Rondala was so I could get here signed up for the movie. When we got there she yelled at us right away and had just gotten out of the shower too. She had her hair all braided too so it was hard for me to recognize her for a second. At 1:50, the inmates had to go to their rooms for the CCO officers to switch shifts. They had to be in their rooms till 2:20, so we had to wait in the pod, so Celeste and I just sat and talked to Ron, one our staff members on team from Cru. Rondala couldn't stay and talk because she had an appointment to get to. Once the ladies were allowed back in the day room area, then we kinda scooped the place to see which people we felt called to talk to. My eyes kept going to a table with a few intimidating looking women. I was a little nervous, but Celeste and I walked up anyway. We introduced ourselves and one of them really looked like she wasn't having it and wanted us to leave. We explained to them what Cru was, and what we're doing here, which got them more interested. We did invite them to the movie but they all had work, or a class they had to be at, which was a bummer but we kept talking to them. 

       We shared a little bit about where we're from, our schools and families. They asked us what it is like just walking into the prison and having to talk to them and they were surprised that we liked doing it so much. Eventually the convo directed us to the homeless, and I shared with them the poverty simulation we did a couple weeks ago. They were really surprised and respected us for doing that. Funny thing is that the girl, Shay, who did not want to even look at us right away was doing all the talking. She definitely put her front down and ended up being a very nice person. A couple of them said how my much they appreciate what we are doing and coming to talk to them like humans. It was awesome to hear that they actually like talking to us. I actually told them that "I appreciate that you appreciate us" haha Im a loser like that though. 

      On the walk back to the chapel, Celeste and I were talking about how it's great to be able to talk to them about God, but for them to have normal human interaction with a person that isn't an inmate can do sooo much for them. It feels good to be able to be a support and outlet for them. I'm really starting to think about being a social worker in a prison cause I love working with this population. As crazy as it sounds, there is soo much hope inside prisons walls, but nobody knows it because they don't take the time to understand and see what actually goes on there. I understand that not everyone has a success story, but that is why these people NEED us. Some people have told me prison is the best thing that could've happened to them. It forces them to change. The insight and perspectives Im getting are phenomenal. I'm so happy I made the choice to go on this project this summer. Today was also the last day to tell people about the movie on Thursday because it takes 2 days to process the inmates kite forms. I really hope we've gathered a good crowd and I believe this movie will have a great affect on the women

Back at the dorms:

      Tonight we had a speaker named, Celestine. Him, his two young children, his wife, and one of their interns was there. He actually is a rapper, but started an non-profit organization four years  ago called, Cry Out. It's this really cool after-school program for kids, and teenagers to come do work shop programs, and express themselves through music, and dance. There is actually a recording studio there. They also help the kids out with homework too, and help the kids discover the kind of life they can have through Jesus. It's a great way to get the kids off the streets, and on the path to do amazing things for themselves. He performed a few songs which was pretty cool, and one of his daughters was super adorable dancing around to the music. He talked about what we think "our calling" is in life. In life we can go from one area, to another. It doesn't mean we are not following our calling or God's plan for us. It means our journey/calling is evolving into what it is ultimately meant to be. That made me really excited since I have so many areas of social work, and criminal justice that I'm interested in. I can see myself casually changing where I'm working from time to time just to see where I fit perfectly. He also shared a bit of his testimony. What I got out of it (and what I've been realizing lately during the project) is to not let your struggles with sin keep you in a pit of guilt, and unproductivity. God can use your sins that you struggle with, and bad situations for Him. He already knows what you're going through, and what bad choices you're going to make so we need to persevere through our trials in life. He talked a lot about the verse in James 1:2-4 that says: ^"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.". It was a great reminder of that verse because I haven't thought about it in a long time, but it use to be one of my favorites. I can use every part of my everyday to fulfill God's plan. I shouldn't quit, and slump every time I fall out of God's way. Jesus already took the sacrifice for our sins, so in a way when I'm sitting there feeling guilty for my sins, and not continuing on with my life, it's almost saying that what Jesus did wasn't good enough to cover the cost of my sins. It makes me want to take all my struggles, and just say, "Okay, God. Use it for what you will, and I will trust that You know what you're doing." It takes so much pressure off of me because Jesus took care of the burden. I'm just sitting here, and living a life for Jesus because of what His love did for me, and the life He Promises me.

7/10/13

     I did a tour of the whole prison campus in the morning. It's seriously like it's own little world here. The inmates have absolutely everything they could possibly need. It wouldn't be a bad life if they weren't at a prison. We got to see the medical center. Which is huge, it had rooms like a regular doctors office, dental rooms, suicide watch rooms, trauma rooms, and even hospice. While at the medical building we ran into a really nice woman and she was just there for an appointment. Once we left the building the chaplain told us that she actually got here when she was 15, she's a lifer for 1st degree murder. She's in her 30's now so she has been here for awhile. My mind was blown. There is no way that 15 year old Jamie would survive being in a prison. Its just crazy that you can't see what a person may be capable of just by looking at them. The chaplain also explained that even though they aren't technically suppose to but they do treat lifers a lite differently. The staff do feel sympathetic toward them and since this is the only life they will ever know they want to be able to make it the best they can for them, regardless of their crime. We also saw where all the education classes happen, the place where all packages for clothes, and daily items the inmates can order, the gym (which was super legit), the cafeteria and receiving and releasing (which was pretty sweet). Receiving and releasing is where the most isolation occurs. It is actually where "the hole" is, or segregation. We saw the mental health building, which I really liked. There was actually a sex offender group counseling session going on. The more time I'm here, the more counseling appeals to me, but we'll see. The best part was THE DOG TRAINING CENTER!!! There was soo many cute doggies. We got to pet some of them. Some of the dogs belong to the prison, and others are actually dogs belonging to people from the outside. People can bring their dogs there for dog sitting, cleaning, and any type of training. It's also really cool that inmates are able to work there cause dogs seriously make the world a better place. They are really good therapy. The more time I spend in this place, the more I feel like I could work in an environment like this. Its scary and exciting at the same time. This afternoon I'm going to receiving, where offenders stay until they are done being assessed to figure out which unit they are being placed in. I haven't been there yet, so we'll see how it goes.

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         So I went to receiving for the afternoon. The atmosphere was completely different then in the high and medium units. These people are just waiting. The atmosphere was anger, fear, sad, and broken. Right when I got in there I walked to a table of 4 women. All of them seemed eager to talk to me,but one was just facing the other way the whole time and eventually walked away, which was fine cause I said she didn't have to stay. The rest of the girls were Christian and wanted to talk about faith. I gave each of them the knowing God personally booklet and we started to go through it. Each of them had legit input and it sorta felt like I was running a support group with everyone giving their feelings on things. One woman stuck out to me though. She was from Tailand and barely spoke any English. She right away asked if I had a Thai Bible (in very broken English). Even though her English wasn't very good she started talking about her first time hearing about Jesus. She started crying when she started talking about Jesus going back to heaven. She said she didn't want him to leave because she didn't want to be lonely. It broke my heart. She has a 2nd degree murder charge and has a 15 year sentence, but she claims to be innocent. There's others details to her story too but I just feel so bad for her. She is being forced to live in a foreign country in a prison, all the while not understanding any of the English or documentation she has been signing. The other girls on my table were in on drug charges. Before I had to leave the Thai woman asked when I was coming back but I said I probably couldn't because we have specific plans in the chapel tomorrow. Those in receiving can't go to events like that. Some of those girls just got here 9 days ago. It can take from 4-8 weeks to get placed, and its the next place up from segregation so it really sucks. They aren't allowed to do much of anything. Most of these people are fresh off the street so they're going through a lot of physical and emotional adjusting. I really appreciated my girls' inputs and admire their efforts. They genuinely thanked me when they had to leave, and when they do that it makes me feel like I wasn't a waste of their time. Receiving was way different from what I expected, but Im not even sure what I expected. In the other units I can feel hope, but this unit just felt broken, which is a the more reason to go and spend time with them.

       At supper we have been starting to have people share testimonies so that we all hear where everyone has come from. Well tonight I gave my "new" testimony. I was vulnerable and really shared what's in my heart and what's been happening in my life since college. Response was so overwhelmingly loving and supportive. Im going through a lot of changes and letting go of the Christian I was in high school and creating myself in the Christian I am now. This project has literally changed my life and saved me from walking away from an abundant life that I thought I wasn't worthy enough for.

7/11/13

      Today was the last day in the prisons and the day we were showing the movie we've been telling the inmates about. I know I've said this a million times, but this has been the best week of my life. Not even exaggerating. There is no heart, or life change without Jesus and I've been seeing that so much this week. I was so excited this morning to watch the inmates watch the movie, which sounds kinda weird. So we were showing the movie in the chapel and waiting till the 9:20 moving time so the inmates could come and eventually they started filing in. Once we got the movie started I was a little disappointed because none of the people I invited were there yet, BUT at the 10:20 movement more people came in and at least 5 of the people I talked to came walking in which made me really happy. Rondala, the women I met Monday ended up not coming. I'm not sure why,I'm thinking she couldn't get work off and that's just how things go. I really, really hope she writes to my P.O. Box address we could give inmates. I would love to keep in touch with her.
       I liked watching the inmates facial expressions during the movie. Most of them were pretty into it and I even saw some tears from some inmates. When the movie finished the inmates clapped which was pretty cool. Then two of our students gave their testimonies and the inmates loved it. A lot of them could really relate to out stories. For lunch chappy (Larry) brought us all pizza which was an amazing change after the sack lunches we've been having all week. We even got to nap on the chairs if we wanted because the inmates wouldn't be back until the 1:20 movement. So once they came back 2 more of our students gave their testimonies, then we got into small groups to talk about the movie, or share more of our own stories. It was Kelly, Lexi, myself and 8 other inmates in one group. Our group was very awesome and very young. One girl was 21, and another was 22. That actually broke my heart a little bit. I mean, I could literally be in their position. Thinking that these women will be in there the next 10 years of their lives is hard but they've accepted their consequences and God has a huge plan for their journey while in prison. The 22 year old said she hadn't even heard about God until she started out in jail. The 21 year old came from a very religious family, she hasn't always been active in her faith but has always believed. She's only been here a month and just came from 3 years in jail, which isn't very common. 
      What really kills me is that these women are just like me. The only difference between them and I is that they got caught. For now on I'm going to stand up for those who say people on prison are monsters. People honestly have no idea what they're talking about. I've actually shed a few tears for these women because of their stories, and the love I've grown for them. Most of the girls I talked to were Christian which was awesome, but Im not under the illusion that all people in prison are Christian because that isn't realistic. I realize not all people in prison are nice, and want to talk to me, but these women have changed my life. I literally can see myself living in this area and working at this prison, and I really mean that. Or just working at a prison in general. Plus I really like the Washington State criminal justice system, what I've seen of it anyways. I really feel real worth and fulfillment with the work I've done with these women this week. Chappy gave us his info so that if we become interested in future internship type things we can talk to him.
        As my small group finished up because they all had to leave I told one of the ladies to keep the faith and she said, "Yes, you too, especially being on the outside". That hit me so hard, because it is so true. Them being here and having a community and resources for religion available to them 24/7 is a lot easier than me going back home to where I can stumble with me faith with every step because the earth is full of distraction and lies. They are in their tight community, even though they have trouble and drama, they have no part in the world outside of the prison walls until they are released. I'm going to have to really work hard to keep what I've learned here. 
        I could go on forever how amazing week and trip was but that would get kind of dull, but I can never thank God enough for allowing me to experience this in my life. Who knows what opportunities this will bring me. I'm very excited to continue my schooling to become a social worker and growing in my walk with my God that never leaves or changes. I have also never cried so much in one month, from crying of joy, and sadness, I've done it all, several times. From hearing people's testimonies, my own struggles, and spending time with the inmates--I've been told crying is a spiritual gift, so I'm all over that. Tomorrow we spend the day cleaning the entire dorms and packing, but tomorrow night we are having a super formal dinner at a pasta place called, The Spaghetti Factory, with the entire project. Then on Saturday its goodbye Seattle, hello Minnesota. I'm in denial that we're leaving soon. I love this place, these people, and this experience more than words could ever say.