And they say, "Good things come to those who wait."

    This post might be confusing to a lot of you because I will not give a very good explanation to what I'm about to write about. That's because I just need to let it out for me, it doesn't matter if you understand what I'm talking about or not. I can't believe the changes I've seen in myself since coming to college, heck I don't even know the person I was two years ago, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that God gives me the chance to better myself every second, of every day. I've been thinking about my future a lot lately, and although I want to be the one to control it, I know that God is writer of my story and I really have no say. To learn to trust, and wait for him is becoming a challenge for me at this point in time.

    As I wait for God to reveal what he wants for me I could be using the time while I wait wisely. BUT it's SO hard. Humans are all about "right now, me, me, me.", but my God doesn't work like we do. I know he has the BEST life for me planned, bigger and better than I could ever imagine for myself, but then again I have to be patient and wait. The next few months could be a lot of spiritual, personal growth that I know God wants for me, or I could sit around waiting for God and make some bad decisions along the way cause I know I'm doing what I want, not what God wants. I'd rather be doing the first option. I feel like this is really going to test the kind of person and Christian I am. The outcome could be really good for me. I could be a better person, and have the chance of getting what I've been waiting for, cause I  know God is saying, "Jamie, you know you're not ready yet, why are you trying to hurt yourself, I have a better way to get there, just follow me."Even though the outcome has a possibility for good, there is also a possibility for disappointment. I don't want to focus on the disappointment I could experience though. I shouldn't sit here and think about that. I should take life day-by-day and when the moment comes where I know, God will take care of whatever emotions I have. He's never let me down before. I LOVEEE how faithful God is, it's so amazing. But yet my flesh i still so weak. I also forgot to mention that through me not wanting to wait on God, it would make me very selfish, and I would also be hurting a person I care about. I in no way shape or form have any right to mess with this person's happiness out of my own selfish wants. My heart aches for that person right now because I want them to succeed in what they are trying to do, but my flesh isn't matching up to God's plan.

     Lastly, I would also like to mention that although I'm doing well on a few of my goals I have for myself this semester, I am ultimately failing the most important ones. Although I made the goals only two weeks ago I still feel ashamed of myself. I need to find the motivation. I need to make the time. I need to remember what's really important in my life. God is not a option in my life, he is my number one priority. I won't let myself fail on this. So God, I'm ready to handle whatever you have to throw at me this semester cause I know I have you. Nothing will ever, ever, ever, ever, ever , everrrrrr change the Love and faithfulness of my God. (:

While I'm Waiting- John Waller...amazingg song<3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y

They Never Said it Would be Easy, but it Will Be Worth It.

"Love yourself in who you are and how God created you to be, unique and specific. In terms of our personality and our being. This doesn't have to be arrogant and self-glorifyinging. It's an expression of thankfulness and gratitude, and even worship, that we are His creation. And just as I can learn to see the beauty in how God created me I can also see the beauty in how He created others." 


       I took this quote from a blog I was reading randomly, and this was a comment a woman posted about the blog. I'm just starting my journey of finding myself, and loving how God made me, so I've been surfing the web a little bit for some insight. This blog wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I did like this comment a lot. It's EXACTLY what I want.


       I don't understand why it's so hard for me. As sad as it sounds I can't really find something I'm good at or like about myself. No matter what I can always find something better in other people that I don't see in myself. I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to other people because that's not exactly the best thing to do when you're trying to accept who you are and just right now I've decided my first step in how I'm going to learn to love myself: I'm not going to let thoughts of comparing myself to others cross my mind. If something ever comes up I'm just going to stop it and think about something else. Gotta break the habit somehow. The saying "You can't love others until you learn to love yourself" kind of scares me. I feel like I have been able to love others without the love for myself, but I know once I have the love for myself then God will bless the love I have for other people abundantly. I want to love me. God is such an amazing God. Why is it that I can't love something he created? I'll get there one day and I will be able to live  out the plan God has for my life.


This is a video from the amazing Joyce Meyers. I just really liked the things she said in it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWfSZ9hp2G0

There's a first time for everything.

    This is probably my 4th try on how I want to start my first post as a "blogger" so I just decided to say it like this. If you know me this may seem odd to you, but I'm not the type of person to want to shove my true feelings into people faces. Every. Single. Thing I do or say is (almost) very well thought through because I fear judgement more than anything, even with my friends I've had forever. One of the first things I realized in my first semester of college that I have literally been molded into the person I am today by my friends and the people I have come in contact with all through my life, and I really don't like it. I don't like this fact because when people ask "what makes you, you", I have no idea what to tell them. I can't find anything that's me, or unique about just me because I'm a blend of every person and relationship I've ever had. I want to have a definition of myself and be proud of the person I am. 

    The second thing I've realized is I have zero amount of self-esteem (believe it or not) which makes the first thing I realized kind of a difficult task. Thinking back I realize my self-esteem issues most likely began in the 5th or 6th grade. I was the girl everyone teased (whether they were my friends or someone that was actually making fun of me-it has been said that I'm an "easy target"- wow, how nice of you to say that friends). I am so sensitive to everything that everyone says to me because of that now. Which I realize now is one of the reasons people say, "You take everything so seriously", "Jamie, I was being sarcastic", and the well known phrase, "Can't you take a joke?" And the answer is no, I guess I can't. The point of me telling that story is that when I post blogs I'm going to try my hardest to write exactly what I want and exactly how I feel and not try to change things and think about what people will think because I care too much about their judgements.

   What inspired me to start blogging was last night at the grand old bible study of Monday nights. Since we are beginning a new semester Ali and Hannah (the leaders of the bible study) had us make up a list of goals for the semester. I was actually really intrigued by this idea. My faith is the most important thing in my life. With my goals I decided to make this semester all about bettering myself as a Christian, becoming closer to God, and letting go of my past. Most of my blogs will probably consist of my thoughts about my faith at the time or my struggles etc. One of the biggest goals I have is to start loving myself. I mean truly, and completely be able to say "I love myself, I love who I am, and I don't care what you think of me. I'm proud to be me." I'm very far from being able to say this right now, but my hopes are to change that.

  The last thing I need to mention in my very first blog post is about the book I got last night from the girls at b-study. It's called "Crazy Love"by Francis Chan. It's all about fully understanding God's amazing love for us and truly living like we believe that He loves us sooo much. I read the preface this morning while eating my Marshmallow Matey's before going to Human Bio(gag me). It talked about taking risks and stepping out of our comfort zones to really be able to live freely and happily for God. Of course, as a Christian I say, "Of course I want to do that, I'm so excited to see what God has planned for me!" and in my head I'm like "Yes God I do want Your Will, but I might tweak a few things because I still want to do things my way." I'm really starting to understand what it means to actually risk sacrificing my will for God's. For me to do that I'd have to throw away my selfishness and say "Yes, God I'm scared, and uncomfortable, but I'm going to do this anyway." I want to really start saying that. And I know I've probably been through this process a thousand times and I'm sure lots of other Christians have too. That moment you're on a spiritual high and you're like "Okay God, I'm ready to really live for you, I'm going to read my bible everyday, pray to you as often as possible, and when something bad happens I won't break down like I always do, I will stay strong this time and trust you."<---- I've done this soo many times. Everytime I go through this process I say I mean it, but this time I actually mean it, I actually want to mean it. So here I go, off to find myself, and the life God wants for me. (Fingers crossed)