Just me, myself, & God.

"When I leave this world, I would rather be remembered for the content of my character than the amount of trophies in my trophy case."

   I can't even begin to comprehend the changes God has been making in my heart over the last couple weeks. Ya know that issue I have with self-esteem? I'm FINALLY seeing a light through this dark and long tunnel. Just in this week I've realized some amazing things: 

      1. I've decided my self-esteem is no longer dependent on myself or other people, but who God is, who my God created me to be and who I can become through and because of Him. I know he has quite the plan for me. This question was brought up to me this week: "Are you living to make yourself known or God?" That was like a WOAHHH moment in my heart. A small part of me thinks I was being a little selfish just begging to feel good about myself and try to stand out in this world with a "talent", that I forgot what being a Christian really means. I don't matter anymore, my flesh doesn't matter anymore. I am completely reborn and made new through my God. Who I was and what I have done doesn't exist in God's eyes. I don't have to live like things will never change. I am changed. I'm starting to realize how all I need to do is depend on God. Really, that's it. I've thought I've always done that, but when I think about it the way I "depended" on God wasn't quite right. I searched for happiness and life in my own self-fulfillment, through my friends, through earthly things, and for the most part through the first boy I fell in love with. I also search for happiness in something that will make me stand out- a talent. Ya know how there are people from your school and someone asks you about them and the first thing you think of is, "Oh yah, they're really good at football, they have a full ride to school next year." I've realized all my life I've been tearing myself down trying to find something like that in me. But talent will only get you so far. Your body won't allow you to play football forever (not that football is what I wish I was good at ). As that quote states at the beginning, I believe character is more important than accomplishments. Some people might not care about having a reputation like this, but I'd rather hear, "Jamie is a really nice person, she is always there to help anyone right when they need it." than hearing "Jamie is such an amazing dancer, but if you ever talk to her you'll find out she is a huge b*tch". Yah, the first one definitely sounds better to me. Obviously things aren't always going to be easy, but I've got a new thought in my head. My thinking is when I'm upset or want something that I know I probably shouldn't all I will think is: "On God's time." Why would I want to pursue things my own way when my way is going to back-fire in my face and God's way is going to prevail no matter what? Why fight it? His way is THE BEST WAY. I don't want to control my life. I don't know what I'm doing. God is truly taking over. I sometimes feel so bad when I realize how much I wasn't trusting God during a bad situation, when He was taking care of me the whole time. His grace and love is so sufficient. The changes He is doing right now in me is soooooo exciting. I feel more independent, strong-willed, and in a way proud of who I am (don't take that too seriously yet, one day I'll completely and fully mean it). I'm proud of who I am becoming through God. I will grow to love myself because of God. I am a beautiful child of God, how can someone not be proud and inlove with that?!? I feel like I'm starting to finalllly grasp onto my future, which I believe is in align in God's Will for me, and finally not my own.

2.  I'm going to truly start focusing on who I am with God and not focus on certain aspects of my life. My God will take care of it, so while I wait, I will just live to please Him. I'm finally letting go of the things I want to make happen in my life, and letting God show me what he wants for me to do instead of continue to go on my own path. There are so many more important things I need to focus on. I need to focus on building my relationship with God, falling in love with Jesus through reading His Word EVERYDAY, and the Great Commission: Matthew 28:19, "Go and make disciples of all nations.." There are so many people in this world that NEED Jesus, there are so many people in this world that haven't even HEARD of Jesus. I want to go out there and change those people's lives. And if you guys know me, culture shock and Jamie Herman don't work very well together, but that's all part of me changing and trusting God :D The reason we were made and put into this world was to live for and worship our Holy creator. God has put the opportunity in my life to go to the Dominican Republic for a week this summer to serve Him at an orphanage (WITH MY BEST FRIEND), and I plan to take full advantage of this. And I know I don't have to always go over seas to teach people about Jesus, there are sooo many things I can do in my day-to-day life to show people who Jesus is. I'm so excited to go out there and spread the amazing love of Jesus Christ that saves my life every single day.

I am just so unbelievably blessed. I don't deserve the love of such an amazing God. I cannot wait to see what he has in store for me in the future with everything I will do. I will live out what I say I believe. I will be a do-er of the Word. I don't want to stand on the sidelines anymore. It feels amazing to know that I'm finally starting to grow into the person God wants me to be, and this is only the beginning. And the real truth is God will never stop pursuing me or changing me. THANK YOU GOD<3<3<3. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH6sNNJ4u8o

"I Made Her"

I Made Her

Author: Unknown

I made her . . . She is different

She is unique

With love I formed her in her mother's womb.

I fashioned her with great joy.

I remember, with great pleasure,

the day I created her.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile.

I love her ways.

I love to hear her laugh.

And the silly things she says and does.

She brings Me great pleasure.

This is how I made her.

(Psalm 139:17 Zephaniah 3:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful,

Because I knew her heart,

And knew she would be vain . . .

I wanted her to search out her heart,

And to learn that it would be

Me in her

That would make her beautiful . . .

And it would be Me in her

That would draw friends to her.

(1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way,

That she would need Me.

I made her a little more lonesome

than she would like to be . . .

Only because I need for her

to lean and depend on Me . . .

I know her heart,

I know if I had not made her like this,

She would go her own chosen way

And forget Me . . . her Creator.

(Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her

many good and happy things

Because I love her.

(Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:23 & 37-39)

Because I love her,

I have seen her broken heart . . .

And the tears she cried alone.

I have cried with her,

And had a broken heart, too.

(Psalm 56:8 Psalm 34:18)

Many times she has stumbled

and fallen alone

Only because she would not hold

My Hand,

So many lessons she's learned

the hard way.

Because she would not listen

to My voice . . .

(Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have set back

And sadly watched her go

her merry way alone.

Only to watch her return to

My Arms, sad and broken.

(Luke 15:7)

And now she is Mine again . . .

I made her, and then I bought her . . .

Because I love her.

(Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape her and remold her . . .

To renew her

to what I had planned for her to be.

It has not been easy for her

or for Me.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed

to My image . . .

This is the high goal I have set for her,

Because I love her.

(2 Corinthians 2:14)

     I don't know about you guys, but I'm ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH THIS. Every girl should read it. And if you are a guy reading this, God feels this way about you too! Just change the she/her, to him/he etc (: So I've taken a deep look at this, at each individual section and applied it to myself. This could be a great way for building self-esteem- which I really, reallly, reallllly realllly, NEED!

I made her . . . She is different

She is unique

With love I formed her in her mother's womb.

I fashioned her with great joy.

I remember, with great pleasure,

the day I created her.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile.

I love her ways.

I love to hear her laugh.

And the silly things she says and does.

She brings Me great pleasure.

This is how I made her.

(Psalm 139:17 Zephaniah 3:17)

      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. God is the sweeeeeetest everrr. He definitely has my heart forever!! He made me different and unique. I really wish I saw this in myself, though. I don't feel like I have anything that makes me stand out from other people, but God says I do, so I want to keep searching. And to think that me, Jamie Herman, gave God, THE CREATOR OF EVERYTHING, pleasure in being created is beyond words. Do you people understand how HUGE HIS LOVE IS?!!? He takes pleasure in us. We are His joy. Small, weak, far from perfect human beings give GOD happiness. How in the world does that make sense?!? I don't deserve a love like that at all, but that is just how amazing our God is. The second paragraph just gives me butterflies. How God loves those little things about me. My smile, my ways, my laugh? He sounds like the perfect boyfriend (maybe guys should take lessons from God how to treat a lady). The line, "And the silly things she says and does." hahahahah I'm the absolutely the weirdest person on this earth! And to think that God likes that, makes me want to be even weirder :p I'm proud I can give some humor to His day. "This is how I made her." God made me, just the way he wants me. God made YOU, just the way He wants YOU. Just keep repeating that to yourself. We are just the way God wants us. The things we see as flaws, or when we say "I wish I was better at this.." or "Why can't I be like that person?" shouldn't even come out of our mouths. If God made us like this shouldn't we embrace it, because it's how God (THE CREATOR OF EVERYTHING) wanted us?!? We shouldn't try to change who we are. We are beautifully and wonderfully made by an amazing God that has a Love for us greater than we'll ever be able to comprehend and plans for our lives that are out of this world.<3

I made her pretty and not beautiful,

Because I knew her heart,

And knew she would be vain . . .

I wanted her to search out her heart,

And to learn that it would be

Me in her

That would make her beautiful . . .

And it would be Me in her

That would draw friends to her.

(1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way,

That she would need Me.

I made her a little more lonesome

than she would like to be . . .

Only because I need for her

to lean and depend on Me . . .

I know her heart,

I know if I had not made her like this,

She would go her own chosen way

And forget Me . . . her Creator.

(Psalm 62:5-8)

    Isn't it amazing how much God thinks of us? Just how selfless His actions are?!? And that even though we don't understand why he does certain things, things will always turn out for the good because that is what God does. "I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful." All I want to type is, "God is amazing" over and over and over again. This is so true to my life. God is the only thing that would ever be able to make me beautiful on this earth. I'm not talking about outer beauty, I'm talking about having a beautiful heart. He is the only thing that can "save a wretch like me." He makes me beautiful. My wonderful, wonderful God makes me beautiful.

Because I love her,

I have seen her broken heart . . .

And the tears she cried alone.

I have cried with her,

And had a broken heart, too.

(Psalm 56:8 Psalm 34:18)

Many times she has stumbled

and fallen alone

Only because she would not hold

My Hand,

So many lessons she's learned

the hard way.

Because she would not listen

to My voice . . .

(Isaiah 53:6)

   This one reallllllly cut deep. "I have seen her broke heart, And the tears she cried alone. I have with her, And had a broken heart too." It makes me think of all the things I've been through. How many times I've hit rock bottom, how many times I've been so close to ending it, how many times I've felt abandoned but Him, how many times I've screamed out to God in my tears, just BEGGING for Him to draw near. It also reminds me of my selfishness, when we hurt we don't think about how God also shares our pain. We usually blame Him for it, and tell Him to fix it, not realizing that it tears Him apart too, seeing His child broken. It reminds me that I'm never ever alone, when I'm in tears, that is when God is closest to me. An awesome guy named Rob Bell (he has great youtube videos-you should probably watch them too-SOO GOOD) talked about how many times the Bible mentions crying and how that when we cry, that's when God is closest to us. Yall should check out Psalm 42:3-11. The next part is also painful for me to think about, "Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold my hand, so many lessons she has learned the hard way. Because she would not listen to my voice." I will never be able to tell you how many times I've turned from God's Will for my own and did what I wanted to do instead. Only because I was scared, being selfish, and I wanted to feel like I'm in control of my life. But really I'm NEVER in control. God is the only one to have control in our lives. He is control of it right now, He is in control of the future, and He was in control of our past. Nothing we do will change what He wants to do, God's way will always prevail over our own. I'm ashamed of the times I ignore God, even though I know I may get hurt in the process.

So many times I have set back

And sadly watched her go

her merry way alone.

Only to watch her return to

My Arms, sad and broken.

(Luke 15:7)

    And I can't tell you how many times I've come running back to God begging Him to fix the mess I've made. I've never thought about how it must make God feel to have to watch the people He loves so dearly try to do things on their own knowing they will get hurt and come running to him. I always, always, always come running back. Every time I say to God, "I'm sorry for leaving, I will stay strong in Your Will this time. I won't leave anymore. Your way is the best way." And every time I do this, somehow I slip away only to find myself alone again because I stopped paying attention to God. But even though we always leave, GOD WILL ALWAYS WELCOME US HOME WITH OPEN ARMS!! God doesn't give just 2nd chances, he gives a bajillionXendless amount of chances. He will never turn us away. He always forgives us and lets us back into His Love. There is no one on this earth that is this loyal, this faithful, this passionate, this selfless, this forgiving, this trusting, and this loving. GOD IS SOOOO AMAZINGGG!! I can't imagine living in this world and not being a Christian. How do people survive?

I have to reshape her and remold her . . .

To renew her

to what I had planned for her to be.

It has not been easy for her

or for Me.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed

to My image . . .

This is the high goal I have set for her,

Because I love her.

(2 Corinthians 2:14)

  And now for probably the best thing God does in our lives. He is constantly changing us, and forming us to want he intends for us to be. He wants us to be have such an amazing life, full of love and fulfillment. Why is it so hard to just give  into His Will and forget our fleshly desires? Nothing in this world will last, but God will remain. Well, it is very much easier said than done. Our world is full of so much suffering, hate, evil, and temptation. We aren't perfect so it's very hard for us to avoid those things. All we can do is keep trying. Keep going. Never give up. Keep pushing towards the Cross. God's Will, will make us uncomfortable, we will sometimes have to do things we wouldn't normally do, but out of those things God blesses us tremendously. For example, In the beginning of my first semester here at college I kind of fell into the party scene even though I didn't want to. I knew I needed to get out. There was this bible study that I was very ify about attending, but I'm like, "Fine God, I'll go". I MET MY BEST FRIEND THERE and a lot of other amazing friends too. God brought me into a Christian friend group that saved me from what I could've become. For once I did something I was scared out of my mind to do, go to a bible study alone, knowing nobody, and ending up finding an amazing group of friends. I knew right then I had followed God's Will and it was soooooo beyond worth it. God's plan is so much better than the plan we have for ourselves. Just keep your eyes open and search for what God wants to bring you to and show you.I can't wait to continuously grow into the woman of God that God wants me to Be.

   Lastly, God, I just want to thank you so much for absolutely EVERYTHING you have done in my life. I would have no reason to be in this world without you, seriously, If I didn't have my faith in You, I just simply wouldn't be here anymore. I want to continue to grow my personal relationship with You, and help be Your light in this world. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

CLICK ON THIS :D-------->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdq9Q8wJdjc

Being real, for once.

     I feel like it's insanely crazy how things can change so fast. One second you're just meeting someone, and in a week that friendship has shot from level 1 to level 50 then back down to 1. Time is the most valuable thing on this earth, and it also the most wasted. People rush things, say things they don't mean, act selfish, and hide. We're human. I don't know why everyone pretends to be perfect; rephrasing that, I don't know why IM trying to portray myself as perfect. I shouldn't care what others think of me-even though I probably don't know one single person who can honestly say they don't care what people think, I know everybody puts peoples possible reactions to their actions in their heads. We're are suppose to live freely, because as the old saying goes, "Only God can judge me." So why do we care what tiny, microscopic, humans think of us? GOD IS HUGE. GOD IS EVERYTHING, MADE EVERYTHING. HE IS WHAT IS, ALWAYS WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE. Why do I put humans thoughts of me before my God; my huge, omnipotent God. I'm actually frustrated right now thinking about it. People are people. Why does it matter? Don't we understand how much happiness we restrict ourselves from hiding behind our, from what we say "our true selves". I know I'm not the person I truly am all the time. Heck, I don't even know who I am, but I'm trying to find it.

   Back to talking about perfection. I try to portray myself as a good Christian, fun, loving, happy, silly, outgoing etc. I don't want people to see me, I hide behind anything I can. I probably have a phobia of judgement. Last night I had a deep conversation with a friend about flaws. He was so real about it, and it made me think of what I truly think of myself, what I am, and what I want to be. I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but I'm going to let you in on a little of who I really am, or what I know about myself (I think). I guess you could say this is one of those: "If you really knew me" things. If you don't like what you read I don't care. Gossip, make fun, judge. But remember:

Matthew 7:2-4 (MSG)

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted."

I'm Jamie Marie Herman born on October 12th, 1992.

I absolutely love being the only girl in my family.

I know my brothers get embarrassed of  me when I'm all affectionate all the time, but they mean absolutely everything to me.

A big part of me worries that they're ashamed of me.

I wish they could see how far they could go in life; I can't wait to watch.

My mom is starting to become my best friend; we use to fight a lot. The word hate came from my mouth a lot.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since my junior year.

I was never suicidal, but I can't say it never crossed my mind, or that it still doesn't.

Not dancing for a year almost killed me. And I'm saying that as literally as possible. That was true broken heartedness.

Having said that, I had a fractured vertebrate and a ruptured disc in my back; wore a break brace for 5 months. I'm not to the point yet where I could say "I'm glad that happened, it helped shape me into the person I am today." But I'll get there.

I have THE WORST self esteem. It's beyond words of how much I compare myself to others.

I constantly tear myself down and literally have been brought to tears about how much I don't care about myself.

I love dancing; but I'm not as good as I want to be. I physically can't change do anything about it. And dancing in college and seeing other amazing dancers keeps reminding me that I'll never measure up.

Actually, I don't think I'll ever measure up, to anything.

I'm very selfish.

I like to do good things, and help others, but there is sometimes a selfish motive behind it.

This questions haunts me: Are you a follower of Jesus or a fan? Do you actually love him or are you trying to save yourself from eternity in Hell?

Yikes, gosh I hope I whole-heartedly love him.

I honestly would rather give you advice and listen to your problems than ever talk about my own.

I hate talking about myself most of the time, but sometimes I like to whine about my issues too.

I'm probably one of the most craziest people you could know. The things I say and do in public sometimes shock even me. I proudly will claim that is the "Herman" in me.

I suck sooo bad at letting God's Will prevail over my own. I need to learn to honestly trust him.

Jesus' love blows my mind.

I have a very hard time letting go and moving on.

I over-analyze everything.

People say I'm such a strong person-where the heck do they get that idea?

I break down constantly ^.

I do believe I have been in love once.

I worry about the dumbest things. I could probably worry about anything.

I can't even describe to you what it feels like to lose a friend. You can't do anything about death. She was my best friend in 8th grade.

I realize how real death is in life; why don't people tell the people they love that they love them every chance they get?!?

I think daily about losing a family member and it scares me beyond belief. I hate leaving conversations angry for that reason. 

I sometimes ask a question, hoping you will give me the answer I want, but if you give me the answer I want, I'll still be upset because I'll think you're not being honest with me.

I'm a freak about organization.

I love my best friends; Jenna Long, Heather Rothstein, my Bpgs. You guys will be in my life forever.

I despised alcohol in high school. It infuriated me. And then I got to college, and went against everything I ever said. You guys can say "I told you so." But that phase lasted maybe a month. Over it.

I hate how I can't just be happy, there's always something that I think is wrong.

I'm a sucker for a romantic.

I can go from nice to bitch in 5 secs.

I try not to swear, but sometimes it comes out. I have made a lot of progress-should have heard me when I was 14.

I feel like I don't really have personal opinions, mine are just formed off of what everyone else says, except for maybe a handful of things.

I seriously have no idea what makes me, me. I see nothing special about myself.

I have a lot of things I want to do in life. I want to fulfill my dreams. I want to travel many places and change lives, but something in my head says, "Jamie, you know you'll never do any of those things."

I'm so afraid of when I'm old and looking back at my life, I find that I didn't live my life to the fullest. I wasted my life.

I'm going to bet most of you reading this didn't expect me to be such a depressing person; I'm happy, most of the time.

I'm obsessed with painting my nails.

I love having nights just to myself.

I loveeee being lazy.
One day I randomly realized that I really like nature and taking pictures of it.
I like do to that whenever I can, nature's beauty is proof of God<3

I really have grown up a lot in my first semester of college, I feel more adulty.

I have been called a Jesus-freak, or a bible banger, and prolly a lot of other words countless times.

TEC changed my life, and I wanna be a part of it forever<3

I supposedly have the spiritual gifts of encouragement and evangelism.

I honestly think some of the things I do, I do for attention.

I dont even know where to start erasing all these negative things I've said in this post out of my brain.

I do truly want to love myself.

I can't wait to meet the person that completes me.

I'm not a vey flexible person-I get anxious if plans change all of a sudden.

I've recently discovered I love white chocolate berry mochas<3

I have jealousy issues-whether it's in a relationship or a friendship, but I don't want to be like that.

I've had countless spiritual highs, but I always come down somehow.

I dont read my Bible as often as I should.

The reason I have such a low self-steem is because I spent several years getting judged by my clothes, shoes, hair, what I said, and did-EVERYTHING. Always made fun of. Even my friends still make fun of me. I will blame all those people forever. Thanks for the permanent issue you put in my head.

I'm VERY sensitive to what people say to me so pleasee be careful. I guess I can't take jokes very well.

And I also dislike sarcasm.

I like literally almost every kind of music from Hardcore to acoustic, and to worship.

I use to change my appearance depending on the friends I made.

I suck at being super girly. I'd rather wear a t-shirt everyday then dress up all cute, but I have moments when I actually want to.

I can honestly say I felt beautiful at my junior prom.

I wish I hadn't gotten involved with some of the people I did from my past.

When I'm excited or nervous I talk super fast.

Running makes me feel better about life and proud of myself.

I just can't get over the fact that the reason my head is so messed up is from stupid people. You guys suck so bad.

I want to be a truly selfless person.

A lot of my friends inspire me to want to be better.

   Even after writing all these things I still don't feel like I've explained who I am, but I guess that means there's a lot more to it. I need to work on myself sooo hard if I want change. I want to prove to people that I can be a strong, happy, and proud, independent person who goes out there to fulfill her dreams, and change the world without letting others stop her.