A Disguised Blessing: Rock Bottom.

     I've been meaning to get a new post on here for awhile now, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about. I had a few things that were on my mind, but I never actually got to sitting down and typing it up. Originally, my next post was going to be about my realization of the true meaning of saying, "I'm saved through Jesus' efforts, not mine." It was a really great realization. Sure, I've always heard of it, but it never really sunk in as truth. I don't even remember what I was doing when I finally got it. It just clicked. The weight I've always felt came off of me when I realized I don't need to make myself worthy of God, I don't need to do (insert number here of) mission trips or volunteer work, and I don't need to live my life continuously feeling bad about my sins because I can't be perfect. I just understand now. I don't need to fight for Jesus' love, I don't need to fight for my salvation. I already have it. I have it through believing in Jesus and just loving Him. Now that just sounds to easy doesn't it? But it REALLY IS. It is probably the easiest thing I've come across, when I come to the statement of "It can't be that easy." BUT IT IS!! Ya know that thing Jesus did, the thing where he sacrificed himself on the cross, and died a sinners death? Yah, THAT is the work I'm talking about, the EFFORTS I was trying to make on my own. It is FINISHED. Just like that one bible verse says. (forgive me for not going to find where it actually comes from). So I don't have to live in guilt for not thinking I can't live up to, or be good enough for God. All He wants is me. That's it. There's no tricks, nothing in between the lines. He died for me, he made the effort, did the work. I CANNOT be saved on my own doings, but live for Him in gratefulness. I definitely want that full life He talks about in His Word. I don't want a life apart from Jesus. If I didn't have my faith I wouldn't know what I'd be living for. Honestly, when I think about it, I would see no point in staying on this earth. Life is sometimes just too shitty to not be living for something bigger, WAY bigger than yourself. Some people are excited about life and all the things you can experience here; fall in love, get married, have kids, living happily ever after etc. Don't get me wrong, I want those things too and there is nothing wrong with wanting those things, but all that will come along with what God has planned for me AND SO MUCH MORE. The things of this world are not permanent, especially the material things that we so love and cherish here. When I truly came to Christ on April 6th, 2009, the old me died. I live in this world, but I am no longer of it. I'm IN LOVE with the fact that I'm a part of this huge kingdom and family of God. He gives my life PURPOSE. So, so much purpose. I just cannot stress that point enough.
     Welllllll, that rant lasted a lot longer than I thought, but I just couldn't stop. What I really wanted to do in this post was just let my feelings out about what I've been dealing with for the past week. On Saturday my heart was broken in a bazillion pieces. I was torn, and crushed. I had never felt the hurt I felt all that afternoon. I. BROKE. DOWN. About what is not the point here, but what I've been trying to accept and finally realize is what I want to talk about. I think it may help others as well as myself-typing this stuff out is quite therapeutic if I do say so myself. Anyway, so I had literally felt like I had been hit by a train, and my depression was at full force. I literally had not felt that low in a long time and maybe even ever. I was honestly afraid of what I was going to do. I felt like all the progress I was making in changing the bad of me and who I am was just gone. I felt like the old me, and said things out of pure hurt and ache and I didn't care. I didn't want to be weak, but I felt like I had been too strong for too long. I didn't think I'd break about this subject again, but I did, BIG TIME.
     Have you ever said, "If this happened I don't know what I would do."? Well, that very thing happened. And literally the, "I don't know what I would do part" is true. Honestly though, there has been many times where I've said, "If this happens I won't get through it." But obviously I'm still here and got through it. But this thing I felt was far above others on my list of things I didn't think I could handle. And here I am 4 days later still breathing, at moments it sucks, but I'm not going to let this ruin me and who I'm becoming. I can definitely say I hit rock bottom, or even the bottom of rock bottom, like if it were a movie, it would've probably been pathetic to watch. To quote my favorite movie, Bridesmaids, "The only place you can go from rock bottom is up." And I think that may be my new life motto. It is true, when things can't seem to get any worse, the only thing they can do is get better. And I don't want to admit it or accept it now,  but things will get better. And I will get over this one way or another. It'll take time, but I'm willing to wait it out. The only way I can go from here is up...I can only go up...I can only go up...I should probably keep repeating that to myself for forever. I'm still hurting, bad. But it's not that hard to bare because this time during my trial, instead of ignoring God, I'm going to keep continuing what I was doing. Surprisingly, I was back in the Word the next day, still talking to God. Usually it takes me awhile to get back the motivation when I'm hurting, but I'm pushing through. And that's another thing. You always have to keep pushing through. Never give up. Never quit on life, is what I basically want to say. You may think you're going through hell, but you're not alone and you will get past this.
      Everyone goes through their own little hell. That's another thing I wanted to talk about in my original post. Instead of hating on people I dislike or judging people because of their reputation, I want to try to change my thinking into that everyone is fighting their own battle, even when you think that persons life is perfect and that they have it all together. If you gave a person a chance, I bet you every person you come in contact with is dealing with something that hurts them. It might be as small as a pet dying, or a little larger, like not ever getting along with their parents. I'm trying to change myself so that I don't dislike people-which is difficult when you just get annoyed by the person, but that person is hurting too. For example, that person you think is a slut, she might be dealing with her parents divorce, or that person you talk crap about every once in awhile, they are also being verbally abused at home. As hard as this sounds and it is hard to love every single person you meet, but we at least need to be an example of love. Now, you don't need to force yourself to be friends with them and hang out with them, but when you're in the same room as them, just be nice, just represent the love you're talking about when you call yourself a Christian (if you are one anyway). And hey, if you aren't a Christian, it doesn't hurt anyone to just be kind. We are all human, and we all share the same brokenness. That is the one thing we all have in common with every person on this entire world.
      Also, don't ever set a person as the prime purpose for your happiness. Not a best friend, not a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially in any relationship. If you think that person is the only thing you need to be happy then what happens when that person leaves? Things can change in 10 seconds. That person may have promised you the world, and you may think you know them, but people will let you down, no matter how loyal you think they are. I'm not trying to be a pessimist here, I'm just being honest and real about it. And also as far as promises go, this isn't just the result of some girl who got her heart broken, it's just something I have decided is true: No human can promise me anything or guarantee anything, no matter who they are. The only person I'm accepting promises from is God. This isn't about trust issues. It's just the fact that people slip up, change their mind, and make mistakes, you can't be fully dependent on anyone to guarantee you anything and it will save me from a lot of future disappointments. I'm dependent on no one for my happiness anymore. No one can dictate how I feel, act, or react about something. I choose my happiness. I run my own happiness. I'm starting to believe that if you can't be happy by yourself and love who you are, most of the things you try to pursue in life will fail, whether it is a relationship or job, you will fail. You need to be alright with yourself before the other pieces of your life can fall together.
       So this post has been basically everywhere, but moral of this story is, don't be afraid to break down, don't be afraid to hit your lowest of lows. Because all you can do from there is climb back up. It may take awhile and it may be hard but you'll get there. Everyone hits bottom sometimes, so you're not alone. And if you're reading this right now feeling the same way I am, you're not alone. You can do this. Things can only go up from here (: Also, every rock bottom experience you have will end up being a growing experience, you can't be thankful for the good times without experiencing the hard times.

And I guess this is growing up.

    I have never really worried about losing my friends from high school once I went to college until the past several days. It kinda started on my mission trip to the Dominican Republic. We all became like family so fast, and I'm keeping in contact with a lot of them. But why are my friendships stronger with people I've known for a week than with people that have known me for most of my life and that I would consider sisters? When I was at school my new friends would say, "I don't really talk to anyone from high school anymore" or  "The moment I graduated I was done with those people". When they would say things like that I would feel pretty dang lucky that I have a group of friends from back home that I would never want to stop hanging out with or talking to. Well now that it is summer and I'm back home it would seem pretty logical that I would hang out with my friends from high school most of the time, but I'm already into a month of summer and I can count on my hands the close friends from high school that I've talked to/hung out with.

    This actually is really starting to hurt me because now I'm starting to feel alone here. When I want to do something and try to think of someone to hang out with there are only a couple people I know would hang with me, but there are others that I would probably get the whole, "Sorry I'm busy thing." Which I do understand. And this whole deal isn't pointing at one individual person at all, just an fyi. To me, friendships need to be a two-way street. If you want to know how I'm doing or see what I've been up to, or hang out with me, then YOU need to contact me. I'm not the only one who should be trying to keep a friendship alive. Right now, I can think of just three people from back home that I can say I'm really close to. But unfortunately one of those is doing an internship out of state, and another works a lot. They are definitely my best friends. But there are definitely a few others that I thought I would always have in my life. These people probably don't even realize they are doing this, but I really wish I didn't feel so unwanted and even a text message from them would make me feel like they think about me once in awhile.

    Another part of this whole ordeal is that I'm changing and growing into a completely different person than I was when I was only just a senior in high school- which was only a year and a halfish ago. My faith and relationship with God is becoming more and more part of my identity. With that change occurring, I must put my faith into the choosing of my friends. I love my Christian friends at school, and Christian friendships are the best kind to have. I'm not calling all my friends back home atheists, but I wonder sometimes if I should be hanging out with them if they are doing things I know I shouldn't be doing or things I don't want to do. I'm also not saying that I can't be friends with people unless they are "Jesus freaks". They need to basically get to know the person I've becoming and realize I don't act certain ways that I use to or that I won't want to do certain things. I still want to be friends with the people from back home. I understand that some friendships are weaker than others and some are just meant to end, but there are a few of those friendships that I thought were strong enough to last my whole life. I would love just a little conversation once and a while or hanging out. Basically, I know I have options for people to hang out with this summer here at home, but I still feel so alone. And I never really expected to feel like I'm losing them. :/