I cannot believe it has been two months since my last blog post (I should be writing a paper right now, but I'm forcing myself to do this because I NEED to). There has been so many times that I've wanted to blog, but this semester has been absolutely CRAZY. It's been quite the roller-coaster ride between school, my friends, and just taking time for myself. I originally had a blog post planned at the beginning of the semester to write about the things I've learned about myself over the summer (just like the post I did at the beginning of the summer), but life kept getting in the way, and every post I had planned since this semester began had gotten pushed out of the way until they became irrelevant. I swear I barely give myself time to breathe. I really like to have my own personal down time, and just relax, but that's something very rare in my life now-a-days.
I'd love to be able to talk about all the new things I've learned about myself, how much more I've learned to love myself, and how great my faith is right now, but honestly, those things are so jumbled right now that I really don't have too much good to say. This semester has been so different from all the others. I never realized how coming back to a new school year would feel so different in college. I live with different roommates, some friends transferred schools, and some things just aren't like they use to be, and I've struggled a lot with it. I mean, I'm use to things now, but right away it really bothered me.
I use to think I had my head on straight, and knew the type of person I was, but right now I'm so back and forth. I honestly don't even know what I define as right or wrong choices anymore. I just don't want to care to be honest. I just want to enjoy life, and do what I want. That probably makes me look like a hypocrite to some people, but honestly to those people, shut up, your hands are just as dirty as mine. I'm really struggling right now with my depression issues, they are really trying to creep up again, and it quite frankly sucks, a lot. My self-esteem is very up and down, and I've sorta lost the path I was going down towards loving myself. This semester I've taken more part in a social life that I didn't do so much before, and I'm really torn between two different sides of me. I don't know if it's just a phase or what, but I just really don't care. I want to be able to do what I want without feeling this guilt and shame I feel all the time. Like I said before, I can't decide what is right or wrong for me. My faith has been a huge part of this roller-coaster. Some days I do really well, but others I fall, a lot. I've given in to a lot of things of this world, a lot of lust, and things I know God probably isn't proud of. I want to be happy and have my relationship with him, but I'm caught in the crap of this world that shouldn't matter to me, but it does. I don't want to feel so wrong for living in this world. I can't put to words how I feel about all of this. I'm not making up excuses for my decisions to make them okay, I'm just living.
Another thing is that I was over-hearing a conversation of a friend talking about all the things he wants to do with his life, and it all sounds phenomenal. Acting, being in movies, dancing, doing his passion 24/7. It really struck in me that I think I've stopped dreaming. There's no reason to limit your life to a desk. I love that I'm going to be helping so many people in my career as a social worker, but what about my passion? What about dancing for as long as I can? I also feel like I've given up on my bucket list that I have so avidly keep adding to. A lot of it is going around the world, and seeing amazing places, but honestly, I don't see myself actually being able to do it. It would be great, but that's a lot of money to just be flying around the world all the time. I want to live an extraordinary life. I don't want to ever have to shut down my dreams because "I need to be realistic". That's b.s. to me. I think everyone should never lose the spark of the dreams you had as a child. Your life is really what you make it, and I do want to make it more than ordinary.
I need more me time. I need more nights where I just sit here with myself. I need more God in my life, but I'm fighting between two worlds. I'm really hoping next semester is easier, I know my course load is lighter so I'm really hoping things will be different, but we will see. There are certain things that are really hard for me to wait for right now, one being that I'm sick of being alone. Somedays I love that I'm single and enjoying life, but with everything so on edge right now it's really hard.
There's probably so much more I could complain about in this post, but I'll save ya'll the negativity. On one positive note, this song does put a little hope in me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEyes40uG6w
No comments:
Post a Comment