There's a first time for everything.

    This is probably my 4th try on how I want to start my first post as a "blogger" so I just decided to say it like this. If you know me this may seem odd to you, but I'm not the type of person to want to shove my true feelings into people faces. Every. Single. Thing I do or say is (almost) very well thought through because I fear judgement more than anything, even with my friends I've had forever. One of the first things I realized in my first semester of college that I have literally been molded into the person I am today by my friends and the people I have come in contact with all through my life, and I really don't like it. I don't like this fact because when people ask "what makes you, you", I have no idea what to tell them. I can't find anything that's me, or unique about just me because I'm a blend of every person and relationship I've ever had. I want to have a definition of myself and be proud of the person I am. 

    The second thing I've realized is I have zero amount of self-esteem (believe it or not) which makes the first thing I realized kind of a difficult task. Thinking back I realize my self-esteem issues most likely began in the 5th or 6th grade. I was the girl everyone teased (whether they were my friends or someone that was actually making fun of me-it has been said that I'm an "easy target"- wow, how nice of you to say that friends). I am so sensitive to everything that everyone says to me because of that now. Which I realize now is one of the reasons people say, "You take everything so seriously", "Jamie, I was being sarcastic", and the well known phrase, "Can't you take a joke?" And the answer is no, I guess I can't. The point of me telling that story is that when I post blogs I'm going to try my hardest to write exactly what I want and exactly how I feel and not try to change things and think about what people will think because I care too much about their judgements.

   What inspired me to start blogging was last night at the grand old bible study of Monday nights. Since we are beginning a new semester Ali and Hannah (the leaders of the bible study) had us make up a list of goals for the semester. I was actually really intrigued by this idea. My faith is the most important thing in my life. With my goals I decided to make this semester all about bettering myself as a Christian, becoming closer to God, and letting go of my past. Most of my blogs will probably consist of my thoughts about my faith at the time or my struggles etc. One of the biggest goals I have is to start loving myself. I mean truly, and completely be able to say "I love myself, I love who I am, and I don't care what you think of me. I'm proud to be me." I'm very far from being able to say this right now, but my hopes are to change that.

  The last thing I need to mention in my very first blog post is about the book I got last night from the girls at b-study. It's called "Crazy Love"by Francis Chan. It's all about fully understanding God's amazing love for us and truly living like we believe that He loves us sooo much. I read the preface this morning while eating my Marshmallow Matey's before going to Human Bio(gag me). It talked about taking risks and stepping out of our comfort zones to really be able to live freely and happily for God. Of course, as a Christian I say, "Of course I want to do that, I'm so excited to see what God has planned for me!" and in my head I'm like "Yes God I do want Your Will, but I might tweak a few things because I still want to do things my way." I'm really starting to understand what it means to actually risk sacrificing my will for God's. For me to do that I'd have to throw away my selfishness and say "Yes, God I'm scared, and uncomfortable, but I'm going to do this anyway." I want to really start saying that. And I know I've probably been through this process a thousand times and I'm sure lots of other Christians have too. That moment you're on a spiritual high and you're like "Okay God, I'm ready to really live for you, I'm going to read my bible everyday, pray to you as often as possible, and when something bad happens I won't break down like I always do, I will stay strong this time and trust you."<---- I've done this soo many times. Everytime I go through this process I say I mean it, but this time I actually mean it, I actually want to mean it. So here I go, off to find myself, and the life God wants for me. (Fingers crossed)