First off, I started to do really well on my Lenten goals and just the goals for myself in general. I'm starting to feel a sort of identity for myself, a sense of pride for being me. I'm starting to love learning things about myself because I'm starting to find there are certain things that only Jamie Herman does and likes. I really felt like I was super connected with God and that our relationship and my faith was growing; I was keeping him part of my every day life, reading the bible ALMOST everyday, and doing my daily devo every morning. I've been feeling happy and excited about life, and the crazy part is: I'm happy on my own, by myself, for myself. Nothing to do with boys, my friends, or anything else I use to pin my happiness to. ON MY OWN I was starting to feel whole. Last weekend I also got to watch my little brothers at state wrestling. I love watching my brothers do their passions. I'm so proud of where Derek has gone as an 8th grader and Dylan finally has something to show for his hard work.(3rd place :D). I'm so proud of them, and I'm so glad to have the 3 brothers that I do. My family makes me super happy and I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have them. School has also being going really well too so that's just the icing on the cake, butttttt...........................................
Last night I had a relapse, I don't know where it came from or how it started, but the depression and anxiousness I use to feel throughout my daily life came and knocked the wind out of me and I fell, hard. I don't really know the words to say or describe it, but I'm hurting. The hurt I'm feeling is numbness though. I feel so alone, helpless, no motivation, discouraged, afraid, hopeless, and just about every other negative word a person can think of. The scariest part of all of it, I had some thoughts running through my head, bad thoughts, reckless thoughts that I'd only think about when my depression was at its worst point. I don't want to go back there. I thought that part of my life was over, and I was in control of my feelings. I'm not that person anymore. I won't accept this anxiety and depression back into my life. Last night a friend of mine was trying to convince me to just pray to God or read the bible, and yes I know I should do that, especially during those hard times, but I just couldn't, I didn't want to. I couldn't get myself to tell Him how I was feeling. I just layed there thinking and wanting nothing to do with anything, but I know God knows my thoughts and knows that I do want and need him.
In my daily devo this morning there was a verse from Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls."I felt like God was saying this directly to me. This verse sounds just fantastic, but I'm not sure how to get there. Psalm 23:4 says "Even though I walk through the valleys of death I will fear no evil because you are close beside me. Your rod and staff protect and comfort me." I feel like I'm in that valley. I know need to go to God and keep close to him, ESPECIALLY during times like these. I feel hypocritical because when I'm trying to help others when they're having trouble I just tell them, "Trust God, and pray. He will help you through this." It's WAYYY easier said than done. I wish I could take my own advice.
The title of this post, "Come As You Are", is a random thought that ran through my head while walking back from class. It just got me thinking of how broken and shameful I'm feeling right now, but it also made me remember how amazing my Jesus is. He doesn't care about my mistakes, my wrong choices, my faults, where I've been, or failures. He won't stop loving me just because I sometimes don't act as Christian as I should, that I swear, forget to pray, don't read His word as much as I should, turn back to my old ways, have jealousy in my heart, or even if I go off His path and start following my selfish fleshly "needs". He just wants ME. He just wants me to come to Him. He wants all of me. He wants to give me such an amazing life and it is a PRIVILEGE to serve Him and be called His follower. I don't want these feelings I'm feeling now, but God has put me in this spot for a reason right now. I may not like it, and I don't know how long it will last, but I will continue to hold onto Him. I've been working on doing things on HIS timing and HIS will and if this is a part of that, I will. I won't let this loosen my grip on Him. Trials produce perseverance as the good Word says. So here I come to you Jesus; broken, selfish, ashamed, jealous, anxious, sinful, unworthy, numb, confused, and hopeless. You are my hope Jesus. I know you will always be the only one who will say, "Come As You Are".
(awesome song ^)
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