I CANNOT believe I'm already done with my first year of college!! Say what!?!? Yah, not exactly sure when all of this happened. But I am so thankful for the experience I've had so far. There have been so many changes, ups and downs, and growing. I've met a lot of amazing people that I know will be in my life forever now and have greatly influenced the changes in me (good changes). I know I'm not the same person I was even after the first semester. I absolutely love the growing environment that I feel at college. I love inventing who I am and finding what I like. There are times where I feel parts of my old self and habits that I use to have now that I'm home, but I know Im different now. It's kinda cool to come home and see the changes I see in old friends and have my friends see how I've changed. It feels good when I hear people say, "Wow, you've matured a lot." I've also had people say I talk differently and I'm saying well good, I needed to clean up the way I spoke anyway. I feel more independent and stronger on my own. It's actually hard to find words to describe how I've changed throughout the year. I know none of the changes I've made are possible without God. My relationship with Him has definitely been growing and I simply and literally could not do this life without him. It's a little fuzzy of the direction of my life that he is taking me, but it's just day by day. I've realized it's a conscious, everyday effort to a relationship with God. There are days when I still not really ignore, but pay less attention to Him and that's something I'm still really working on. At church last Sunday, the message was about living passively in your faith-which would mean not being very active, or saying "Oh I will wait until I'm less busy to help at the food shelf", or saying you plan to do ________, but never really getting to it. I've realized my faith is like that quite often. I always talk and think about ways to grow stronger in my faith and what I want to do, but I never truly commit to getting it done. I procrastinate and just don't make the time. I don't want to do that anymore. This summer I want to grow in my relationship with God, and learn more about the Holy Spirit because I think I lack in that area and it would be awesome to get the full effect of having the Spirit in me.
Some parts of me are harder to let go of than others. I truly believe in the saying, "First loves die hard." Coming home is harder when that love is here and when it's what I'm use to coming home to. But things are different now, they have to be different. And I've finally accepted it. I've accepted that, that person will always have a special place in my heart, and it's okay to always love them and I think of them from time to time, even though it isn't the same love as it once was. I'm happy with it now. I'm glad the relationship happened and even though it didn't work out I'm glad I got a taste of what love and being loved feels like. It's a good experience and I can only learn from it. I will admit though, sometimes it's still hard. Sometimes I find myself missing that person, but I've realized that's okay. I no longer feel like I need that person to survive in life. That's one huge change. My dependence on others for happiness is fading. I'm learning to depend on myself and my God. Speaking of relationships, I came across an amazing quote that has stuck with me for the past few weeks: "If you're not happy single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from others."I just loveee that, so even when I'm feeling lonely I'll just remember I won't be happy in a relationship if I'm not happy by myself first. So boys are definitely on the back burner. I have some serious me things to figure out. I've realized friends are great to have there for you, but if you aren't happy with yourself and can't be your own best friend then you won't really live that happily or live life to the fullest. Another part of me that is changing is the way I look at my anxiety and depression. Yes, I may always have it, but it doesn't dictate how I feel all the time or the way I look at myself. I can live just as happily or happier than anyone else that doesn't have it.
This brings me to the point of why this summer is a "selfish summer." I'm still continuing on my journey to find myself and learn to love myself. So starting this summer..........
I'm giving myself permission to love myself.
I'm giving myself permission to feel good about the things I do.
I'm giving myself permission to not look down upon myself.
I'm giving myself permission to not compare myself to others in a criticizing way.
I'm giving myself permission to look in the mirror and say, "You are Beautiful."
I'm giving myself permission to accept that God made me purposefully this way to fulfill a part in this world that only I CAN DO that no one else can.
I'm giving myself permission to say I have gifts and talents.
I'm giving myself permission to acknowledge that I have strengths and weaknesses; and that's okay.
I'm giving myself permission to say I am a good person.
I'm giving myself permission to accept that I will make mistakes and slip up.
I'm giving myself permission to understand that I can never be perfect.
I'm giving myself permission to accept that I will sin no matter how hard I try.
I'm giving myself permission to accept that talent only goes so far.
I'm giving myself permission to accept there will always be people that are "better" than me at something and that is just fine.
I'm giving myself permission to not take jokes so seriously.
I'm giving myself permission to not take things personally.
I'm giving myself permission to believe that I do measure up.
I'm giving myself permission to believe God will always love me even though I do sin against him.
I'm giving myself permission not to condemn myself over every wrong thing I do.
I'm giving myself permission to be independent.
I'm giving myself permission to be strong.
I'm giving myself permission to be confident.
I'm giving myself permission to like myself.
I'm giving myself permission to have a High Self-Esteem.
I know there will be times when I will struggle with this, but I will keep at it. I will not stop growing and learning about myself or my God and that's just life. I have a purpose and hope for an amazing life. Because my God makes my life worth living.
No comments:
Post a Comment