I Found Mine

Dignity:

           1. Bearing conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity 

           of an occasion, or situation.

           2. Nobility or elevation of character; worthiness.

With you I had none.

I became dependent on you for every positive emotion I could feel.

I became dependent on you to take away every negative emotion I felt.

I lost being my own person.

No, I'm not blaming you for this, it was all me.

People say, "If you were happy before them, you can be happy without them."

I don't know if I was happy before then.

Or maybe I just don't remember.

It seems like forever ago.

Honestly, I don't know who I was before I was with you.

So young, immature, lost, pathetic, just trying and trying to measure up, but failing because of me.

Because nobody can get anywhere if they are their own worst enemy, worst critic.

A person will fail in the course of life if they hate themselves.

If they don't care about themselves.

I was the hyper, humorous girl that always seemed to be happy.

I was the "easy target", so they said.

But what was going on in my head...just a tid shy from being labeled as "suicidal".

Who I am now doesn't like who I was then.

But now...

Things are different.

I'm different.

I'm growing and learning more about myself everyday.

I'm creating myself.

I'm saved<3.

I have respect for myself.

I won't let myself get down if someone else looks down upon me.

Bluntly, if people have something bad to say they can f*ck off.

There will always be things I want to change, but why waste my time hurting over something I can't change or control?

I won't let myself keep comparing my behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.

The demons in my head will keep telling me I'm a failure, that I'm not good enough, and that I will never measure up.

But, they're wrong.

I'm deaf to them now.

I'm proud of who I am.

I'm Jamie Herman.

I'm proud because I have the strength to want to change, to be different, not everyone has the guts to.

The life I was given was made just right for me.

I will do amazing things.

I will put Love first, always.

I will find the joy in suffering.

You may think you still have your hold on me, but the times are different now.

You may think I will always be on hold, but now I've ridden you of every control you've had on me.

Don't take this the wrong way, love.

I'm glad we loved, and lost.

I'm glad I got to love and be loved.

You were the best friend I ever had..but things change, don't they?

And "that's just life".

But remember, I'm always there if need be, but I'm not quite ready yet.

The person you had, the person I was, is long gone...dead.

I'm taking the time for myself, I deserve time to be with myself, to love myself, to hold myself.

"As for me I will always have hope."

I will be happy.

I am happy.

And I will still be happy, even tomorrow and the next day.

Now, I'm not saying I won't have weak moments. 

I will break once in awhile, but I will pick myself back up...

with my dignity, wipe off the dirt, and keep moving.

Forward.

Always looking forward.

Always looking up.

Proverbs 31:25

"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."