Being real, for once.

     I feel like it's insanely crazy how things can change so fast. One second you're just meeting someone, and in a week that friendship has shot from level 1 to level 50 then back down to 1. Time is the most valuable thing on this earth, and it also the most wasted. People rush things, say things they don't mean, act selfish, and hide. We're human. I don't know why everyone pretends to be perfect; rephrasing that, I don't know why IM trying to portray myself as perfect. I shouldn't care what others think of me-even though I probably don't know one single person who can honestly say they don't care what people think, I know everybody puts peoples possible reactions to their actions in their heads. We're are suppose to live freely, because as the old saying goes, "Only God can judge me." So why do we care what tiny, microscopic, humans think of us? GOD IS HUGE. GOD IS EVERYTHING, MADE EVERYTHING. HE IS WHAT IS, ALWAYS WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE. Why do I put humans thoughts of me before my God; my huge, omnipotent God. I'm actually frustrated right now thinking about it. People are people. Why does it matter? Don't we understand how much happiness we restrict ourselves from hiding behind our, from what we say "our true selves". I know I'm not the person I truly am all the time. Heck, I don't even know who I am, but I'm trying to find it.

   Back to talking about perfection. I try to portray myself as a good Christian, fun, loving, happy, silly, outgoing etc. I don't want people to see me, I hide behind anything I can. I probably have a phobia of judgement. Last night I had a deep conversation with a friend about flaws. He was so real about it, and it made me think of what I truly think of myself, what I am, and what I want to be. I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but I'm going to let you in on a little of who I really am, or what I know about myself (I think). I guess you could say this is one of those: "If you really knew me" things. If you don't like what you read I don't care. Gossip, make fun, judge. But remember:

Matthew 7:2-4 (MSG)

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted."

I'm Jamie Marie Herman born on October 12th, 1992.

I absolutely love being the only girl in my family.

I know my brothers get embarrassed of  me when I'm all affectionate all the time, but they mean absolutely everything to me.

A big part of me worries that they're ashamed of me.

I wish they could see how far they could go in life; I can't wait to watch.

My mom is starting to become my best friend; we use to fight a lot. The word hate came from my mouth a lot.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since my junior year.

I was never suicidal, but I can't say it never crossed my mind, or that it still doesn't.

Not dancing for a year almost killed me. And I'm saying that as literally as possible. That was true broken heartedness.

Having said that, I had a fractured vertebrate and a ruptured disc in my back; wore a break brace for 5 months. I'm not to the point yet where I could say "I'm glad that happened, it helped shape me into the person I am today." But I'll get there.

I have THE WORST self esteem. It's beyond words of how much I compare myself to others.

I constantly tear myself down and literally have been brought to tears about how much I don't care about myself.

I love dancing; but I'm not as good as I want to be. I physically can't change do anything about it. And dancing in college and seeing other amazing dancers keeps reminding me that I'll never measure up.

Actually, I don't think I'll ever measure up, to anything.

I'm very selfish.

I like to do good things, and help others, but there is sometimes a selfish motive behind it.

This questions haunts me: Are you a follower of Jesus or a fan? Do you actually love him or are you trying to save yourself from eternity in Hell?

Yikes, gosh I hope I whole-heartedly love him.

I honestly would rather give you advice and listen to your problems than ever talk about my own.

I hate talking about myself most of the time, but sometimes I like to whine about my issues too.

I'm probably one of the most craziest people you could know. The things I say and do in public sometimes shock even me. I proudly will claim that is the "Herman" in me.

I suck sooo bad at letting God's Will prevail over my own. I need to learn to honestly trust him.

Jesus' love blows my mind.

I have a very hard time letting go and moving on.

I over-analyze everything.

People say I'm such a strong person-where the heck do they get that idea?

I break down constantly ^.

I do believe I have been in love once.

I worry about the dumbest things. I could probably worry about anything.

I can't even describe to you what it feels like to lose a friend. You can't do anything about death. She was my best friend in 8th grade.

I realize how real death is in life; why don't people tell the people they love that they love them every chance they get?!?

I think daily about losing a family member and it scares me beyond belief. I hate leaving conversations angry for that reason. 

I sometimes ask a question, hoping you will give me the answer I want, but if you give me the answer I want, I'll still be upset because I'll think you're not being honest with me.

I'm a freak about organization.

I love my best friends; Jenna Long, Heather Rothstein, my Bpgs. You guys will be in my life forever.

I despised alcohol in high school. It infuriated me. And then I got to college, and went against everything I ever said. You guys can say "I told you so." But that phase lasted maybe a month. Over it.

I hate how I can't just be happy, there's always something that I think is wrong.

I'm a sucker for a romantic.

I can go from nice to bitch in 5 secs.

I try not to swear, but sometimes it comes out. I have made a lot of progress-should have heard me when I was 14.

I feel like I don't really have personal opinions, mine are just formed off of what everyone else says, except for maybe a handful of things.

I seriously have no idea what makes me, me. I see nothing special about myself.

I have a lot of things I want to do in life. I want to fulfill my dreams. I want to travel many places and change lives, but something in my head says, "Jamie, you know you'll never do any of those things."

I'm so afraid of when I'm old and looking back at my life, I find that I didn't live my life to the fullest. I wasted my life.

I'm going to bet most of you reading this didn't expect me to be such a depressing person; I'm happy, most of the time.

I'm obsessed with painting my nails.

I love having nights just to myself.

I loveeee being lazy.
One day I randomly realized that I really like nature and taking pictures of it.
I like do to that whenever I can, nature's beauty is proof of God<3

I really have grown up a lot in my first semester of college, I feel more adulty.

I have been called a Jesus-freak, or a bible banger, and prolly a lot of other words countless times.

TEC changed my life, and I wanna be a part of it forever<3

I supposedly have the spiritual gifts of encouragement and evangelism.

I honestly think some of the things I do, I do for attention.

I dont even know where to start erasing all these negative things I've said in this post out of my brain.

I do truly want to love myself.

I can't wait to meet the person that completes me.

I'm not a vey flexible person-I get anxious if plans change all of a sudden.

I've recently discovered I love white chocolate berry mochas<3

I have jealousy issues-whether it's in a relationship or a friendship, but I don't want to be like that.

I've had countless spiritual highs, but I always come down somehow.

I dont read my Bible as often as I should.

The reason I have such a low self-steem is because I spent several years getting judged by my clothes, shoes, hair, what I said, and did-EVERYTHING. Always made fun of. Even my friends still make fun of me. I will blame all those people forever. Thanks for the permanent issue you put in my head.

I'm VERY sensitive to what people say to me so pleasee be careful. I guess I can't take jokes very well.

And I also dislike sarcasm.

I like literally almost every kind of music from Hardcore to acoustic, and to worship.

I use to change my appearance depending on the friends I made.

I suck at being super girly. I'd rather wear a t-shirt everyday then dress up all cute, but I have moments when I actually want to.

I can honestly say I felt beautiful at my junior prom.

I wish I hadn't gotten involved with some of the people I did from my past.

When I'm excited or nervous I talk super fast.

Running makes me feel better about life and proud of myself.

I just can't get over the fact that the reason my head is so messed up is from stupid people. You guys suck so bad.

I want to be a truly selfless person.

A lot of my friends inspire me to want to be better.

   Even after writing all these things I still don't feel like I've explained who I am, but I guess that means there's a lot more to it. I need to work on myself sooo hard if I want change. I want to prove to people that I can be a strong, happy, and proud, independent person who goes out there to fulfill her dreams, and change the world without letting others stop her.