#JesusPeace

      Even though today is Christmas, this post isn't exactly the upbeat, chipper one most might expect. The past 3 months back at school have been a journey, and a struggle. Although I kept on top of my grades as I wanted to, my life right now isn't exactly on a clear cut path. I have no idea where I'm headed even tomorrow (metaphorically). The experiences I've had this past semester have brought me to question who I am, who I want to be, and who I care about. Way back when I started this blog (almost a year ago) I posted a lot about my journey of finding myself, and learning to love myself. There have been times where I thought I was actually getting somewhere, but as of right now I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.
     Being that I'm on break at home I thought this would give me sometime to figure things out, and clear some issues up before starting next semester, but I'm afraid I might go back to school with no progress. On Sunday I got to go to my church at home called, Crossroads. I missed that place a lot, and it definitely feels like home to me. Since it was close to Christmas, the sermons lately have been about what Jesus is to us. Sunday's main idea was that Jesus is, the "Prince of Peace." The pastor shared the idea of "Jesus Peace". Jesus Peace contains 4 main elements: 1. Forgiveness of sin 2. Rest in Life 3.Trust in Times of Trouble 4. Eternal Security. I desperately need #2 and #3 right now. Colossians 3:15 says, ^"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace." 
    There's quite a few things in my life right now that make my heart heavy. There are problems I don't know how to resolve so I have just been burying them, but I feel like there has to be a breaking point sooner or later. I thought I have been giving them to God, and praying about them, but the idea of Jesus Peace has kind of made these heartaches a little easier to do deal with. True "Jesus Peace" is nothing of this world. Inside I know that my relationship with God isn't how it once was, but I will always firmly believe in my heart that nothing in this world can ever truly satisfy me, only Jesus. Jesus Peace is what I need in my life, my relationships, my thoughts, and my whole entire world. I don't want to be sitting here giving another sermon like every other post, but having God in my life has made living in this world so much more worth it. I may be defending myself right now, and I know I suck at truly living a Christian lifestyle at times, but no matter what I do, no matter how many times I leave Him, I know God will always forgive me, and will always be waiting for me to come back. And I always will come back. No matter how long I've strayed away. 
        I, in no way deserve to be loved like that, but that's just it. Jesus' love covers all my messes that make up what is Jamie Herman's life. As my pastor said, "Jesus Peace starts with a conversation with God." If you need this kind of peace in your life too, don't be afraid to ask Him. Since it is Christmas, I want to leave this post that sums up the meaning of it all: Isaiah 9:6 "For unto us a child is born,  to us a son is given,  and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

You're God, I'm not. You lead, I'll follow.

I Immerse Myself In You

       In the past few years I have really grown a liking to star gazing/watching sun sets. If you have never done this I highly recommend it. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to do some star gazing up on Garvin Heights (if you haven't done that, it is AMAZING), and also with a friend from back home at her house (our star gazing place (: ). With school, and just the busyness of life in general, it's hard for me to take time to relax, and give myself a break to breathe. But when I actually do take the time to do the simple act of just laying down and staring at the sky with all the wonder it holds, it allows me to take a huge step back from life, and just be, and think.
      The overwhelming sense of peace I get from star gazing is unbelievable. It's the best stress reliever, and really puts things into a whole new perspective. I've always been kind of a nerd when it comes to astronomy. I find it all super interesting, and when I was younger, my dad purchased me a little telescope. Just laying there and thinking about how many stars are in the sky, how far away they are from earth, but how bright they still are to the naked eye is unfathomable. They are tiny balls fire millions of light years away, but yet we can still see them. When I think about all of this, I just become consumed when the question, "How can people not believe in a God with a world like this?" The universe is sooooo huge, and sooo unending. There are millions of galaxies. We have no idea what is out there, and scientists have problem only made a dent in what we can find out about the stars, planets, and just the universe as a whole.
     When I sit there, and think about how huge the universe is, and all the amazing sights it holds, it makes all my worries, and problems here on earth seem so minuscule, and pointless. I mean, look what God made for us. There is so much evidence of God in nature. Nature is the single most beautiful God created in my opinion. When I'm looking up at the sky at those stars it just makes me feel like the possibilities are endless, and that there is so much more to life than all the little things we make to seem so important. All of the things that make me cry, hurt me, or even bring me joy won't matter years from now. If my God can create something as wondrous as a ball of fire that lights up the sky, he can definitely take care of me, and all my little "problems". Looking at the stars just makes me feel like there's so much more out there then a 9-5 job. It makes me feel like God truly has a purpose to my life, but that this life is only the tiniest portion of forever with Him. It's really hard for me to explain all of this, but just the peace I feel from it makes each day a little easier to bear when I know something much bigger is really at the end of this journey called life, which will make everything I go through and do worth it.

Precious Is an Understatement

   Today has been a little of a struggle since my first class this morning. I've tried to get it out of my head, but I just can't so I thought why not share my experience, and hopefully maybe some people will take it to heart as much as I did. A Minnesota State Trooper came and talked to my Intro to Criminal Justice class today to talk about drunk driving, texting while driving, and not wearing your seatbelt etc. I know we've all heard this over, and over again before, but once again I'm reminded how much a tragic car accident could become a reality in my own life. The trooper showed a video called "Young Forever" which had really tragic car accidents with teenagers from Minnesota caused by texting, drunking driving, and not wearing your seatbelt. It had actual pictures from the accidents (ones where the dead bodies are still in the car), and interviews with some individuals who survived the accidents and how much it has affected their lives.
    The drunk driving one really hit home to me because of a few personal experiences I've had. It brought back past pain and anxiety. It just goes to show how hard it is to heal from tragedies like that. It reminded me how PRECIOUS time is. How no one is invincible, I don't care how much you think you're a good drunk driver, or texter while driving, I don't care how cool you think you look when you don't wear your seatbelt. I can't say I'm not guilty of the texting while driving, I still do it from time to time, but it has changed drastically in the past 2 years. Keep it in your pocket. Put it in your glove department. Put it anywhere but in your hands. I don't care if no ones on the rode, or how good of a driver you are. Texting while driving is just as dangerous, or more dangerous than driving while intoxicated. People need to understand how real death is. Death doesn't care if you're only 16, death doesn't care if you are just the passenger in the car, death can come at any time. And as for the driving while intoxicated, I know many people who drive places after 2 ish beers and don't think anything of it, but it's still stupid. I don't care if you had one shot, 1 beer, or half a beer. Don't go behind the wheel!!! I don't care if you're driving 3 miles to your cousins house, or how many times you've driven drunk. Do you have any idea how much risk you're putting yourself in?!? Also, wearing a seatbelt has saved SOOO many lives, and not wearing it has killed SOOOO many more. Just put it on. Take the 2 seconds to do it. Another small part that the trooper talked about was speeding. I know I'm guilty of this, but it is about to stop. If you get in a car accident while speeding the chance of death increases dramatically. The speeding limits are not a suggestion, they are laws, so follow them. They aren't there so the gov't can be jerks, and make us get to places slower than we'd like, it's for our SAFETY!!!!
    It honestly scares me to death, I'm still shakey. Imagining my friends, or my brothers all of sudden dead from one of these accidents is just unfathomable. I can't stress enough how you need to listen to this message. Your life is so precious. Your time here is so precious. Life is sooo short as it is, we never  know when our time is up. I feel like I could sit here and literally beg forever for people to stop doing these things, but obviously I can't make decisions for people. Death is so so real. I tried for a long time to find the video we watched online, but it basically is only a presentation for State troopers to give so it isn't on the internet, but I found a found a video from a news station on a video by State Troopers called, "How to save a life" which basically has the same concept as "Young Forever", it isn't nearly as powerful, but it will have to do. I hope whoever reads this, if anyone reads this, please take 7 min out of your day to watch the video. Just please think before you text while drive, get behind the wheel drunk, or choose to not where your seat belt. Is a text worth dying for? Is it worth getting behind the wheel drunk because "you always do it", or "I'm just driving 3 miles to my house", this could be the one time things go terribly wrong. Is your life worth dying over a piece of leather (or whatever seatbelts are made of) that you are to lazy to put on? Think about your family and friends, all the people you love. Would you want to leave them behind and  have them deal with all the pain of losing you forever over your mindless decisions? Or how about possibly killing a complete stranger because you were driving drunk, or went over the center line while texting? Would you wanna live with that guilt forever? Would you want to have to apologize to the family that you changed forever? I never ever want to get a phone call saying someone I love has died (again) from one of these decisions. I never want a state trooper coming to my house to share the news. I never want to have to go to the scene to identify the body, or see the car after it has been totaled. Please, just please consider your own life, and your loved ones. Put the phone away, don't drive with even a drop of alcohol in your system, and just click that little belt that takes a second to put on. Save yourself and the lives of many others..... The news broadcast video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0ucTYTSDI0

S l o w D o w n

       I cannot believe it has been two months since my last blog post (I should be writing a paper right now, but I'm forcing myself to do this because I NEED to). There has been so many times that I've wanted to blog, but this semester has been absolutely CRAZY. It's been quite the roller-coaster ride between school, my friends, and just taking time for myself. I originally had a blog post planned at the beginning of the semester to write about the things I've learned about myself over the summer (just like the post I did at the beginning of the summer), but life kept getting in the way, and every post I had planned since this semester began had gotten pushed out of the way until they became irrelevant. I swear I barely give myself time to breathe. I really like to have my own personal down time, and just relax, but that's something very rare in my life now-a-days.
     I'd love to be able to talk about all the new things I've learned about myself, how much more I've learned to love myself, and how great my faith is right now, but honestly, those things are so jumbled right now that I really don't have too much good to say. This semester has been so different from all the others. I never realized how coming back to a new school year would feel so different in college. I live with different roommates, some friends transferred schools, and some things just aren't like they use to be, and I've struggled a lot with it. I mean, I'm use to things now, but right away it really bothered me.
      I use to think I had my head on straight, and knew the type of person I was, but right now I'm so back and forth. I honestly don't even know what I define as right or wrong choices anymore. I just don't want to care to be honest. I just want to enjoy life, and do what I want. That probably makes me look like a hypocrite to some people, but honestly to those people, shut up, your hands are just as dirty as mine. I'm really struggling right now with my depression issues, they are really trying to creep up again, and it quite frankly sucks, a lot. My self-esteem is very up and down, and I've sorta lost the path I was going down towards loving myself. This semester I've taken more part in a social life that I didn't do so much before, and I'm really torn between two different sides of me. I don't know if it's just a phase or what, but I just really don't care. I want to be able to do what I want without feeling this guilt and shame I feel all the time. Like I said before, I can't decide what is right or wrong for me. My faith has been a huge part of this roller-coaster. Some days I do really well, but others I fall, a lot. I've given in to a lot of things of this world, a lot of lust, and things I know God probably isn't proud of. I want to be happy and have my relationship with him, but I'm caught in the crap of this world that shouldn't matter to me, but it does. I don't want to feel so wrong for living in this world. I can't put to words how I feel about all of this. I'm not making up excuses for my decisions to make them okay, I'm just living.
    Another thing is that I was over-hearing a conversation of a friend talking about all the things he wants to do with his life, and it all sounds phenomenal. Acting, being in movies, dancing, doing his passion 24/7. It really struck in me that I think I've stopped dreaming. There's no reason to limit your life to a desk. I love that I'm going to be helping so many people in my career as a social worker, but what about my passion? What about dancing for as long as I can? I also feel like I've given up on my bucket list that I have so avidly keep adding to. A lot of it is going around the world, and seeing amazing places, but honestly, I don't see myself actually being able to do it. It would be great, but that's a lot of money to just be flying around the world all the time. I want to live an extraordinary life. I don't want to ever have to shut down my dreams because "I need to be realistic". That's b.s. to me. I think everyone should never lose the spark of the dreams you had as a child. Your life is really what you make it, and I do want to make it more than ordinary.
    I need more me time. I need more nights where I just sit here with myself. I need more God in my life, but I'm fighting between two worlds. I'm really hoping next semester is easier, I know my course load is lighter so I'm really hoping things will be different, but we will see. There are certain things that are really hard for me to wait for right now, one being that I'm sick of being alone. Somedays I love that I'm single and enjoying life, but with everything so on edge right now it's really hard.
     There's probably so much more I could complain about in this post, but I'll save ya'll the negativity. On one positive note, this song does put a little hope in me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEyes40uG6w

For Now Just Let Me Be

I'm just trying to learn more about who I am...for now just let me be.
I've done some things I didn't expect to...for now just let me be.
I'm only 19 years old...for now just let me be.
"Bible bangers" are human too...for now just let me be.
I shouldn't feel like I'm looked down upon...for now just let me be.
I'm sorry I let my flesh win over my faith a lot of the time...for now just let me be.
God is still the most important part of me...for now just let me be.
I may look like a hypocrite...for now just let me be.
I'm okay with the decisions I've made...for now just let me be.
I'm not a bad person...for now just let me be.
I feel judgement from a lot of people...for now just let me be.
I'm doing okay right now...for now just let me be.
The choices I make are between me and God...for now just let me be.
He will always love me so...for now just let me be.
I'm not making that a reason for doing whatever I want...for now just let me be.
I don't know what I'm doing...for now just let me be.
And that is just fine...for now just let me be.

The Way I See It #92

Unfortunately, I didn't write this, but I believe EVERY SINGLE WORD. I think it's amazing and that everyone should read it.

You are not an accident.

Your parents may not have planned you,

but God did.

He wanted you alive and

created you for a purpose.

Focusing on yourself will never reveal your purpose.

You were made by God and for God,

and until you understand that, 

life will never make sense.

Only in God do we discover

our origin,

our identity,

our meaning,

our purpose, 

our significance, 

and our destiny.

-Dr. Rick Warren

Author of: The Purpose Driven Life

Maybe actions don't speak that loudly

     I am a firm believer in the saying, "Actions speak louder than words". But I have found an exception to this rule. This rule applies when it comes to honesty between people or if people say they will do something and they don't end up doing it. For example, in a relationship, if a person keeps saying they will change and make things better, but they never do anything about it then that is when "actions speak louder than words" applies. That person is saying things that they honestly don't feel in their hearts which shows through their absent actions...Now the exception is when you look at what a person chooses to do and if you don't agree with their decision you automatically (maybe not even purposefully) put it in your head that they are a bad person. In my life I have been guilty of this many times. I've looked at people I don't truly know and decide they are a bad person just because of their actions that I don't agree with.

   Doing this ^^^^^^^ is wrong. Who am I to say someone is a good or bad person or not? Who am I to say that I'm a good person either if I'm passing judgement on things I hear from people and see from them on the weekends? I don't know the roads they have traveled in life, I don't know what they've been through. Maybe the things they have been through have led them to the decisions they make now. We don't know who a person is just by looking at the cover. There are a lot of people that I love in my life that make poor decisions that I don't agree with. But do those actions define who they are as a person? Absolutely not. I've come to the conclusion that you can't say a person is good or bad unless you have taken the time to genuinely get to know their heart. Without truly getting to know someone you can't act like you know them just by the party you saw them at last weekend. Unless you've tried to learn about their life you can't act like you know who they are and the type of person they are.
    I've come to realize there aren't as many "bad" people out their as I thought. I still get upset when I think about some of the decisions people I care about make, but I'm working on it. No one can say they are better than anyone else. I'm working hard at not judging people I don't personally know just because of what I "know" about them. I don't know what their life's about, I don't know what trials God has asked them to walk through. Everyone is fighting their own battle, some people are just really good at hiding it. So what I'm getting at is don't decide how you feel about a person just because of their actions. Actions are still really important, but we don't know where their heart truly is unless we try to find out. People put on shows in front of other people all the time, not everyone is their true selves in front of a crowd. Again, I DO believe that a person's actions are important, but they NEVER define who that person is on the inside. I've found some of the most caring, and genuine people in a crowd that I would never even have thought to have looked. There is always some good to be found in everyone. Learn their heart before you define a person by the poor decisions they make. Try to get to know someone you don't particularly like, you may be surprised. Everyone deserves a fair chance. I hope I wrote this out at clearly and understandable as I could, there were just so many things I wanted to say floating around in my head. 

In the dying we find the most wisdom.

I take no credit for this, it is taken from The Buried Life's tumblr page (:

I randomly found this a few days ago, and I was really really inspired by it. It gave me a new motivation to just do life. I know there are a lot of lists like these out there, but this one stuck out to me more than any of the others I have read. I would love to be able to live my life like this everyday.

Enjoy (:

45 Life Lessons From A Dying Old Woman With No Reason to Lie.

                           

1.       Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2.       When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.       Life is too short to waste time hating anyone…

4.       Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends and parents will.  Stay in touch.

5.       Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.       You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.

7.       Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8.       It’s OK to get angry with God.  He can take it.

9.       Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10.     When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11.     Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12.     It’s OK to let your children see you cry..

13.     Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14.     If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15.     Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16.     Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.

17.     Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18.     Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19.     It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20.     When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21.     Burn the candles, use the nice sheets and wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion,  today is special.

22.     Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23.     Be eccentric now.  Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24.     The most important sex organ is the brain.

25.     No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.     Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27.     Always choose life.

28.     Forgive everyone everything.

29.     What other people think of you is none of your business.

30.     Time heals almost everything.  Give time.

31.     However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32.     Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.

33.     Believe in miracles.

34.     God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35.     Don’t audit or over analyze life.  Show up and make the most of it now.

36.     Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37.     Your children get only one childhood.

38.     All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39.     Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40.     If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41.     Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42.     The best is yet to come.

43.     No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44.     Yield.

45.     Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

I Found Mine

Dignity:

           1. Bearing conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity 

           of an occasion, or situation.

           2. Nobility or elevation of character; worthiness.

With you I had none.

I became dependent on you for every positive emotion I could feel.

I became dependent on you to take away every negative emotion I felt.

I lost being my own person.

No, I'm not blaming you for this, it was all me.

People say, "If you were happy before them, you can be happy without them."

I don't know if I was happy before then.

Or maybe I just don't remember.

It seems like forever ago.

Honestly, I don't know who I was before I was with you.

So young, immature, lost, pathetic, just trying and trying to measure up, but failing because of me.

Because nobody can get anywhere if they are their own worst enemy, worst critic.

A person will fail in the course of life if they hate themselves.

If they don't care about themselves.

I was the hyper, humorous girl that always seemed to be happy.

I was the "easy target", so they said.

But what was going on in my head...just a tid shy from being labeled as "suicidal".

Who I am now doesn't like who I was then.

But now...

Things are different.

I'm different.

I'm growing and learning more about myself everyday.

I'm creating myself.

I'm saved<3.

I have respect for myself.

I won't let myself get down if someone else looks down upon me.

Bluntly, if people have something bad to say they can f*ck off.

There will always be things I want to change, but why waste my time hurting over something I can't change or control?

I won't let myself keep comparing my behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.

The demons in my head will keep telling me I'm a failure, that I'm not good enough, and that I will never measure up.

But, they're wrong.

I'm deaf to them now.

I'm proud of who I am.

I'm Jamie Herman.

I'm proud because I have the strength to want to change, to be different, not everyone has the guts to.

The life I was given was made just right for me.

I will do amazing things.

I will put Love first, always.

I will find the joy in suffering.

You may think you still have your hold on me, but the times are different now.

You may think I will always be on hold, but now I've ridden you of every control you've had on me.

Don't take this the wrong way, love.

I'm glad we loved, and lost.

I'm glad I got to love and be loved.

You were the best friend I ever had..but things change, don't they?

And "that's just life".

But remember, I'm always there if need be, but I'm not quite ready yet.

The person you had, the person I was, is long gone...dead.

I'm taking the time for myself, I deserve time to be with myself, to love myself, to hold myself.

"As for me I will always have hope."

I will be happy.

I am happy.

And I will still be happy, even tomorrow and the next day.

Now, I'm not saying I won't have weak moments. 

I will break once in awhile, but I will pick myself back up...

with my dignity, wipe off the dirt, and keep moving.

Forward.

Always looking forward.

Always looking up.

Proverbs 31:25

"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."

A Disguised Blessing: Rock Bottom.

     I've been meaning to get a new post on here for awhile now, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk about. I had a few things that were on my mind, but I never actually got to sitting down and typing it up. Originally, my next post was going to be about my realization of the true meaning of saying, "I'm saved through Jesus' efforts, not mine." It was a really great realization. Sure, I've always heard of it, but it never really sunk in as truth. I don't even remember what I was doing when I finally got it. It just clicked. The weight I've always felt came off of me when I realized I don't need to make myself worthy of God, I don't need to do (insert number here of) mission trips or volunteer work, and I don't need to live my life continuously feeling bad about my sins because I can't be perfect. I just understand now. I don't need to fight for Jesus' love, I don't need to fight for my salvation. I already have it. I have it through believing in Jesus and just loving Him. Now that just sounds to easy doesn't it? But it REALLY IS. It is probably the easiest thing I've come across, when I come to the statement of "It can't be that easy." BUT IT IS!! Ya know that thing Jesus did, the thing where he sacrificed himself on the cross, and died a sinners death? Yah, THAT is the work I'm talking about, the EFFORTS I was trying to make on my own. It is FINISHED. Just like that one bible verse says. (forgive me for not going to find where it actually comes from). So I don't have to live in guilt for not thinking I can't live up to, or be good enough for God. All He wants is me. That's it. There's no tricks, nothing in between the lines. He died for me, he made the effort, did the work. I CANNOT be saved on my own doings, but live for Him in gratefulness. I definitely want that full life He talks about in His Word. I don't want a life apart from Jesus. If I didn't have my faith I wouldn't know what I'd be living for. Honestly, when I think about it, I would see no point in staying on this earth. Life is sometimes just too shitty to not be living for something bigger, WAY bigger than yourself. Some people are excited about life and all the things you can experience here; fall in love, get married, have kids, living happily ever after etc. Don't get me wrong, I want those things too and there is nothing wrong with wanting those things, but all that will come along with what God has planned for me AND SO MUCH MORE. The things of this world are not permanent, especially the material things that we so love and cherish here. When I truly came to Christ on April 6th, 2009, the old me died. I live in this world, but I am no longer of it. I'm IN LOVE with the fact that I'm a part of this huge kingdom and family of God. He gives my life PURPOSE. So, so much purpose. I just cannot stress that point enough.
     Welllllll, that rant lasted a lot longer than I thought, but I just couldn't stop. What I really wanted to do in this post was just let my feelings out about what I've been dealing with for the past week. On Saturday my heart was broken in a bazillion pieces. I was torn, and crushed. I had never felt the hurt I felt all that afternoon. I. BROKE. DOWN. About what is not the point here, but what I've been trying to accept and finally realize is what I want to talk about. I think it may help others as well as myself-typing this stuff out is quite therapeutic if I do say so myself. Anyway, so I had literally felt like I had been hit by a train, and my depression was at full force. I literally had not felt that low in a long time and maybe even ever. I was honestly afraid of what I was going to do. I felt like all the progress I was making in changing the bad of me and who I am was just gone. I felt like the old me, and said things out of pure hurt and ache and I didn't care. I didn't want to be weak, but I felt like I had been too strong for too long. I didn't think I'd break about this subject again, but I did, BIG TIME.
     Have you ever said, "If this happened I don't know what I would do."? Well, that very thing happened. And literally the, "I don't know what I would do part" is true. Honestly though, there has been many times where I've said, "If this happens I won't get through it." But obviously I'm still here and got through it. But this thing I felt was far above others on my list of things I didn't think I could handle. And here I am 4 days later still breathing, at moments it sucks, but I'm not going to let this ruin me and who I'm becoming. I can definitely say I hit rock bottom, or even the bottom of rock bottom, like if it were a movie, it would've probably been pathetic to watch. To quote my favorite movie, Bridesmaids, "The only place you can go from rock bottom is up." And I think that may be my new life motto. It is true, when things can't seem to get any worse, the only thing they can do is get better. And I don't want to admit it or accept it now,  but things will get better. And I will get over this one way or another. It'll take time, but I'm willing to wait it out. The only way I can go from here is up...I can only go up...I can only go up...I should probably keep repeating that to myself for forever. I'm still hurting, bad. But it's not that hard to bare because this time during my trial, instead of ignoring God, I'm going to keep continuing what I was doing. Surprisingly, I was back in the Word the next day, still talking to God. Usually it takes me awhile to get back the motivation when I'm hurting, but I'm pushing through. And that's another thing. You always have to keep pushing through. Never give up. Never quit on life, is what I basically want to say. You may think you're going through hell, but you're not alone and you will get past this.
      Everyone goes through their own little hell. That's another thing I wanted to talk about in my original post. Instead of hating on people I dislike or judging people because of their reputation, I want to try to change my thinking into that everyone is fighting their own battle, even when you think that persons life is perfect and that they have it all together. If you gave a person a chance, I bet you every person you come in contact with is dealing with something that hurts them. It might be as small as a pet dying, or a little larger, like not ever getting along with their parents. I'm trying to change myself so that I don't dislike people-which is difficult when you just get annoyed by the person, but that person is hurting too. For example, that person you think is a slut, she might be dealing with her parents divorce, or that person you talk crap about every once in awhile, they are also being verbally abused at home. As hard as this sounds and it is hard to love every single person you meet, but we at least need to be an example of love. Now, you don't need to force yourself to be friends with them and hang out with them, but when you're in the same room as them, just be nice, just represent the love you're talking about when you call yourself a Christian (if you are one anyway). And hey, if you aren't a Christian, it doesn't hurt anyone to just be kind. We are all human, and we all share the same brokenness. That is the one thing we all have in common with every person on this entire world.
      Also, don't ever set a person as the prime purpose for your happiness. Not a best friend, not a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially in any relationship. If you think that person is the only thing you need to be happy then what happens when that person leaves? Things can change in 10 seconds. That person may have promised you the world, and you may think you know them, but people will let you down, no matter how loyal you think they are. I'm not trying to be a pessimist here, I'm just being honest and real about it. And also as far as promises go, this isn't just the result of some girl who got her heart broken, it's just something I have decided is true: No human can promise me anything or guarantee anything, no matter who they are. The only person I'm accepting promises from is God. This isn't about trust issues. It's just the fact that people slip up, change their mind, and make mistakes, you can't be fully dependent on anyone to guarantee you anything and it will save me from a lot of future disappointments. I'm dependent on no one for my happiness anymore. No one can dictate how I feel, act, or react about something. I choose my happiness. I run my own happiness. I'm starting to believe that if you can't be happy by yourself and love who you are, most of the things you try to pursue in life will fail, whether it is a relationship or job, you will fail. You need to be alright with yourself before the other pieces of your life can fall together.
       So this post has been basically everywhere, but moral of this story is, don't be afraid to break down, don't be afraid to hit your lowest of lows. Because all you can do from there is climb back up. It may take awhile and it may be hard but you'll get there. Everyone hits bottom sometimes, so you're not alone. And if you're reading this right now feeling the same way I am, you're not alone. You can do this. Things can only go up from here (: Also, every rock bottom experience you have will end up being a growing experience, you can't be thankful for the good times without experiencing the hard times.

And I guess this is growing up.

    I have never really worried about losing my friends from high school once I went to college until the past several days. It kinda started on my mission trip to the Dominican Republic. We all became like family so fast, and I'm keeping in contact with a lot of them. But why are my friendships stronger with people I've known for a week than with people that have known me for most of my life and that I would consider sisters? When I was at school my new friends would say, "I don't really talk to anyone from high school anymore" or  "The moment I graduated I was done with those people". When they would say things like that I would feel pretty dang lucky that I have a group of friends from back home that I would never want to stop hanging out with or talking to. Well now that it is summer and I'm back home it would seem pretty logical that I would hang out with my friends from high school most of the time, but I'm already into a month of summer and I can count on my hands the close friends from high school that I've talked to/hung out with.

    This actually is really starting to hurt me because now I'm starting to feel alone here. When I want to do something and try to think of someone to hang out with there are only a couple people I know would hang with me, but there are others that I would probably get the whole, "Sorry I'm busy thing." Which I do understand. And this whole deal isn't pointing at one individual person at all, just an fyi. To me, friendships need to be a two-way street. If you want to know how I'm doing or see what I've been up to, or hang out with me, then YOU need to contact me. I'm not the only one who should be trying to keep a friendship alive. Right now, I can think of just three people from back home that I can say I'm really close to. But unfortunately one of those is doing an internship out of state, and another works a lot. They are definitely my best friends. But there are definitely a few others that I thought I would always have in my life. These people probably don't even realize they are doing this, but I really wish I didn't feel so unwanted and even a text message from them would make me feel like they think about me once in awhile.

    Another part of this whole ordeal is that I'm changing and growing into a completely different person than I was when I was only just a senior in high school- which was only a year and a halfish ago. My faith and relationship with God is becoming more and more part of my identity. With that change occurring, I must put my faith into the choosing of my friends. I love my Christian friends at school, and Christian friendships are the best kind to have. I'm not calling all my friends back home atheists, but I wonder sometimes if I should be hanging out with them if they are doing things I know I shouldn't be doing or things I don't want to do. I'm also not saying that I can't be friends with people unless they are "Jesus freaks". They need to basically get to know the person I've becoming and realize I don't act certain ways that I use to or that I won't want to do certain things. I still want to be friends with the people from back home. I understand that some friendships are weaker than others and some are just meant to end, but there are a few of those friendships that I thought were strong enough to last my whole life. I would love just a little conversation once and a while or hanging out. Basically, I know I have options for people to hang out with this summer here at home, but I still feel so alone. And I never really expected to feel like I'm losing them. :/

Selfish Summer

    First post of the summer!! Woot woot! I wanna be able to do this a lot throughout the summer, but we'll see how it goes! I just want to point out the title, "Selfish Summer" isn't the kind of selfish most people would think of. I'm not spending my summer just thinking about my own wants and not caring about others etc. By the end of the post the reason why I am calling it "selfish" will be pretty clear.
     I CANNOT believe I'm already done with my first year of college!! Say what!?!? Yah, not exactly sure when all of this happened. But I am so thankful for the experience I've had so far. There have been so many changes, ups and downs, and growing. I've met a lot of amazing people that I know will be in my life forever now and have greatly influenced the changes in me (good changes). I know I'm not the same person I was even after the first semester. I absolutely love the growing environment that I feel at college. I love inventing who I am and finding what I like. There are times where I feel parts of my old self and habits that I use to have now that I'm home, but I know Im different now. It's kinda cool to come home and see the changes I see in old friends and have my friends see how I've changed. It feels good when I hear people say, "Wow, you've matured a lot." I've also had people say I talk differently and I'm saying well good, I needed to clean up the way I spoke anyway. I feel more independent and stronger on my own. It's actually hard to find words to describe how I've changed throughout the year. I know none of the changes I've made are possible without God. My relationship with Him has definitely been growing and I simply and literally could not do this life without him. It's a little fuzzy of the direction of my life that he is taking me, but it's just day by day. I've realized it's a conscious, everyday effort to a relationship with God. There are days when I still not really ignore, but pay less attention to Him and that's something I'm still really working on. At church last Sunday, the message was about living passively in your faith-which would mean not being very active, or saying "Oh I will wait until I'm less busy to help at the food shelf", or saying you plan to do ________, but never really getting to it. I've realized my faith is like that quite often. I always talk and think about ways to grow stronger in my faith and what I want to do, but I never truly commit to getting it done. I procrastinate and just don't make the time. I don't want to do that anymore. This summer I want to grow in my relationship with God, and learn more about the Holy Spirit because I think I lack in that area and it would be awesome to get the full effect of having the Spirit in me.
      Some parts of me are harder to let go of than others. I truly believe in the saying, "First loves die hard." Coming home is harder when that love is here and when it's what I'm use to coming home to. But things are different now, they have to be different. And I've finally accepted it. I've accepted that, that person will always have a special place in my heart, and it's okay to always love them and I think of them from time to time, even though it isn't the same love as it once was. I'm happy with it now. I'm glad the relationship happened and even though it didn't work out I'm glad I got a taste of what love and being loved feels like. It's a good experience and I can only learn from it. I will admit though, sometimes it's still hard. Sometimes I find myself missing that person, but I've realized that's okay. I no longer feel like I need that person to survive in life. That's one huge change. My dependence on others for happiness is fading. I'm learning to depend on myself and my God. Speaking of relationships,  I came across an amazing quote that has stuck with me for the past few weeks: "If you're not happy single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from others."I just loveee that, so even when I'm feeling lonely I'll just remember I won't be happy in a relationship if I'm not happy by myself first. So boys are definitely on the back burner. I have some serious me things to figure out. I've realized friends are great to have there for you, but if you aren't happy with yourself and can't be your own best friend then you won't really live that happily or live life to the fullest. Another part of me that is changing is the way I look at my anxiety and depression. Yes, I may always have it, but it doesn't dictate how I feel all the time or the way I look at myself. I can live just as happily or happier than anyone else that doesn't have it.

    This brings me to the point of why this summer is a "selfish summer." I'm still continuing on my journey to find myself and learn to love myself. So starting this summer..........

I'm giving myself permission to love myself.

I'm giving myself permission to feel good about the things I do.

I'm giving myself permission to not look down upon myself.

I'm giving myself permission to not compare myself to others in a criticizing way.

I'm giving myself permission to look in the mirror and say, "You are Beautiful."

I'm giving myself permission to accept that God made me purposefully this way to fulfill a part in this world that only I CAN DO that no one else can.

I'm giving myself permission to say I have gifts and talents.

I'm giving myself permission to acknowledge that I have strengths and weaknesses; and that's okay.

I'm giving myself permission to say I am a good person.

I'm giving myself permission to accept that I will make mistakes and slip up.

I'm giving myself permission to understand that I can never be perfect.

I'm giving myself permission to accept that I will sin no matter how hard I try.

I'm giving myself permission to accept that talent only goes so far.

I'm giving myself permission to accept there will always be people that are "better" than me at something and that is just fine.

I'm giving myself permission to not take jokes so seriously.

I'm giving myself permission to not take things personally.

I'm giving myself permission to believe that I do measure up.

I'm giving myself permission to believe God will always love me even though I do sin against him.

I'm giving myself permission not to condemn myself over every wrong thing I do.

I'm giving myself permission to be independent.

I'm giving myself permission to be strong.

I'm giving myself permission to be confident.

I'm giving myself permission to like myself.

I'm giving myself permission to have a High Self-Esteem.

I know there will be times when I will struggle with this, but I will keep at it. I will not stop growing and learning about myself or my God and that's just life. I have a purpose and hope for an amazing life. Because my God makes my life worth living.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=QVpUG4g7BYE

Obsession

I really thought I'd share this because I love it a lot. It's from Crazy Love by Francis Chan. (READ IT!)

To live as a person like this takes conscious, and daily effort, but it's definitely something to aim for.

People who are obsessed with Jesus give freely and openly, without censure. Obsessed people love those who hate them and who can never love them back.

People who are obsessed with Jesus aren’t consumed with their personal safety and comfort about all else. Obsessed people care more about God’s Kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress.

People who are obsessed with Jesus live lives that connect them with the poor in some way or another. Obsessed people believe that Jesus talked about money and the poor so often because it was really important to Him. (1  John 2:4-6; Matt. 16:24-26)

Obsessed people are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling in the status quo. A person who is obsessed with Jesus will do things that don’t always make sense in terms of success or wealth on this earth. As Martin Luther put it, “There are two days on my calendar: This day and that day.” (Luke 14:25-35; Matt. 7:13-23; 8:18-22; Rev. 3:1-6)

A person who is obsessed with Jesus knows that the sin of pride is always a battle. Obsessed people know that you can never be “humble enough", and so they seek to make themselves less known and Christ more know.” (Matt. 5:16)

People who are obsessed with Jesus do not consider service a burden. Obsessed people take joy in loving God by loving his people. (Matt 13:44; John 15:8)

People who are obsessed with God are known as givers, not takers. Obsessed people genuiniely think that others matter as much as they do, and they are particularly aware of those who are poor around the world. (James 2:14-26).

A person who obsessed  thinks about heaven frequently. Obsessed people orient their lives around eternity. They are not fixed only on what is here in front of them.

A person who is obsessed is characterized by committed, settled, passionate love for God, above and before every other thing and every other being.

People who are obsessed are raw with God; they do not attempt to mask the ugliness of their sins or failures. Obsessed people don’t put it on for God. He is their safe place, where they can be at peace.

People who are obsessed with God have an intimate relationship with Him. They are nourished by God’s word throughout the day becayse they know that forty minutes on Sunday is not enough to sustain them for a whole week, especially when they will encounter so many distractions and alternative messages.

A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his or her character than comfort. Obsessed people know that true joy doesn’t depend on circumstances or environment. It is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a fit that ultimately comes from God. (James 1:2-4)

A person who is obsessed with Jesus knows that they best thing he can do is be faithful to his Savior in every aspect of his life continually saying thank you to God. An obsessed person knows there can never be intimacy if he is always trying to pay God back or work hard enough to be worthy. He revels in his role as child and friend in God.

1 John 4:19

"We love because He first loved us."

1 John 4:19

   I absolutely love this verse. It's a constant reminder of why we are here. Why we are capable of loving. And why Jesus chose to die for our sins. His love is beyond anything we could fathom or even try to imagine. Our minds are just too small to comprehend it.

      I feel like my life has been pretty roller-coasterey lately. Keeping up with school work, friendships, scheduling for next semester, and thinking about my plans for the summer has really be contributing to my elevating stress level. It has definitely not been fun. I've been trying to keep my mind from getting ahead of itself. I'm starting to feel effected by the thought of leaving all the amazing people I've met this year for the summer so I don't want to be rushing into summer, but it's kinda getting harder. I don't want to waste the time I have here with them. I've been dealing with situations where I'm just like, "Where are you God?", "Why is this falling apart?", "I need you to take care of this."I've been really trying to take up my crosses because Jesus did that very thing for me. I want God's will, but I let my flesh win a lot of the time, which is probably why things are the way they are. But either way God has a plan for all of these things that seem to be bad right now. Patience and trust, you got this Jamie. I want take note on one amazing event though, Dinner for The Ladies 2012. The love in that place was just invading the hearts of all of us girls out there. To my future husband: You will be a gentleman like that, and that standard will not be lowered. I've realized just how good I deserve to be treated. We are all made to love and respect each other. It's how God wants His people to treat each other. If we lived like that everyday this world would a lot better to live in. So thank you brothers, you are all amazing men of God<3. All of this aside, this week and the weekend are some very important days. It's the crucifixion, death, and rising of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

     Those things are the very reasons for this post. I want to put all the crap I'm dealing with in life aside this week to spend more time with God, learning and understanding more about the love Jesus has for me through Him dying to save me. God loved us all so much, He wanted us so badly that He saw no other way to receive our love in return or to pay the debt of our sins against Him than to send HIS VERY OWN SON to pay our debts and die for us so that we could love Him and Live with Him forever. That's why 1 John 4:19 is so important. "WE LOVE BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US". He didn't have to love us. He didn't have to want to save us from eternity in Hell. He didn't have to make a way for the punishment to be paid for. HE'S THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, He could do ANYTHING that he pleases. But He did it because he LOVES us more than we can even comprehend as love. His love is nothing like the earthly love we express. It is 20 folds bigger and then some. He is so loving, merciful, and compassionate. I can't imagine not believing in an amazing God that wants me. He knows everything about me, all the good and all the disgusting and shaming things, but he STILL wants to use me and give me the real life that He has always wanted for me. He says I am his beautiful daughter, a perfection creation, a masterpiece. I'm honored to be His daughter. Honestly, without Jesus in my life, I wouldn't feel a bit of worth or point to my life, and truly believe I would've ended my life a long time ago, I have no reason to be here besides living for Him. "Jesus is the ONLY Truth, the ONLY Way, and the ONLY Life"-John 14:6. I love love love love love this verse, it's everything I believe in a nutshell (which is why it is tattooed on my wrist).

    I'm going to start taking bits and of pieces from the Gospels leading up to Jesus' death/resurrection because we all need to be reminded of what Jesus did for us. The first verse I want to talk about is when Jesus was praying to His father in a garden the night before he would be condemned. Matthew 26:39 says. "If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine." This shows just how human he was, but also how we should react to our trials and pain we experience in our lives. He was afraid and wasn't so sure about going through with it, but He wanted God's will, not His own. We should also want God's will in everything we do. Our lives will be of so much more worth walking with God every step of the way. I don't know when I'll learn that fact, and actually start living it out completely. Every time I make a decision all on my own and say, "Don't worry God, I got this, it won't end up bad." 100% of the time it ends up backfiring. Jesus took up His cross joyfully, knowing that the result of it is worth more than anything in this world. We should look at our crosses (sufferings) and taken them up joyfully, even when it isn't easy, knowing and trusting that everything God does is for good. Everything in His plan is good. Like Psalm 30:5 says, "Though my sorrow may last for the night, joy comes with the morning." We need to persevere and completely lean on God in this life. And remember as Jesus said in John 18:36, "My kingdom is not of this world."That means we are not meant for this world, we are different, made for something so much greater and bigger. So when you feel out of place and you're struggling to be a Christian in this society remember it's cause we aren't made for this world. But what we do in this world matters so much. Telling everyone about Jesus' saving love is what God wants for His followers and one day we will reunite with Him in Heaven and live joyfully and eternally in His amazing presence. I feel like I'm getting so off track here. But it is just sooo cool to think about. All the sufferings, pain, imperfections that bring me down will no longer be there. It's just such an amazing and peaceful feeling.

    I'd also like to point out that all during Jesus' trial to be condemned and while being mock by all the soldiers, He said nothing in return. He didn't snap back at them with a come back like most of us would probably do if someone offends us. He stayed faithful to His Father. Always remembering His purpose. Not too long before he died Jesus cried out with little strength He had left and said, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"(Matthew 27:46) Until now I always thought that was Jesus weakened by His human flesh thinking that God wasn't being faithful in His plan, but my study bible has shown me a whole new side and I think it's very important to put on here. This excerpt is from The Life Application Study Bible (NIV): "Jesus was not questioning God; he was quoting the first line of Psalm 22--a deep expression of the anguish he felt when he took on the sins of the world, which caused him to be separated by His father (that's what sin does to us, it separates us from God- Hell is eternal separation from God and the bible says, "He descended (downward) into Hell and on the Third Day rose again and ascended (upward) into Heaven) This is what Jesus dreaded as he prayed to God in the garden to take His cup away. The physical agony was horrible, but even worse was the period of spiritual separation from God. Jesus suffered this double death so that we could never experience eternal separation from God." I think that is so powerful. I encourage you all to just take time this week to soak that in and meditate on God's word and understand what Jesus took on for the sake of us. Matthew 28:5-7 is when Jesus has risen from the dead and an angel appears to the women who came to visit Jesus' tomb. "The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.  Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.” Jesus has fulfilled EVERYTHING THE BIBLE HAS TAUGHT US THAT HE WOULD DO!! SOOO AMAZINGG<3 <3 May I remind you that Jesus was a human being that rose from the dead (besides the fact that He is Lord), and that is definitely something that doesn't happen everyday, nbd. This last part is the last thing Jesus said to His disciples, which means it's probably SOOO VERY important. Matthew 28:18-20 "Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” I'm just in love with the ending- "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."This is the Great Commission for all of us, all who believe in Him, MAKE DISCIPLES OF ALL NATIONS. The Christian life was not promised to be easy, but in everything we do, He is there with us. His Holy Spirit gives us the words and wisdom to bring people to Jesus.This week I want to spend time thinking of Jesus as He carried His cross up to His death, taking on the world's sins, and rising in 3 days, fulfilling prophesy and sealing the deal between God and all people. Everything he went through, just because of His love for us--what else is there to do, but love and worship someone who loves you beyond measure and saved you from yourself?!?The battle is won. 

"It is Finished."

John 19:30 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNUVj_sxTRE

"Profile of the Lukewarm"

    This won't be the easiest post for me to write. It's to be taken very seriously. This idea has been laid in my head and heart for the past few days as I've been reading more out of Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. Several (a good majority actually) of the things that will be included in this post will be quoted directly from his book. Some of it seems scary, actually it caused me a lot of worry, guilt, and discontentment while trying to fall asleep after reading these specific chapters. Some of it may seem harsh, but my hope is that it will cause any of you who care to read this to really examine yourself, examine your heart, and examine your life. I want you to seriously dig deep. I don't want this to come across as a lesson from me yelling at everyone for being bad people and saying you are going to hell. I'm very guilty of everything I'm about to lay on the table. Our lives are made for something SO MUCH LARGER than what we will experience on this earth and I'm hoping you who are reading this will realize that. It sure opened my eyes. Just a warning, this will be A LOT to take in all at once, but I needed this out there, people need to read it.
      My first topic I'd like to discuss is the about the overused saying, "Live life to the fullest." I know lots of people saying this, thinking they actually mean it, but do they really? I like to think I do this, but after reading just the beginning of this chapter I found myself to be VERYY INCORRECT. Here is my first quote from the book, it may seem long, but I feel it's very important for it to be on here:
       "But it's easy to think about today as just another day. An average day where you go about your life concerned with your to-do list, preoccupied by appointments, focused on family, thinking about your desires and needs. On an average day, we live caught up in ourselves. On the average day, we don't consider God very much. On the average day, we forget out lives are truly just a vapor. But there is nothing normal about today. Just think about everything that must function properly just for you to survive. For example, your kidneys. The only people who really think about their kidneys are those whose don't properly. The majority of us take for granted our kidneys, liver, lungs, and other internal organs that we're dependent upon to continue living. What about driving down the road at sixty-five miles per hour, only a few feet away form cars going the opposite direction at the same speed? Someone would only have to jerk his or her arm and you would be dead. I don't think that's morbid; I think it's reality. It's crazy to think today is just a normal day to do whatever we want with it. To those of us who say, Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. James 4:13-13 says, "Why, you don't even know what will happen tomorrow? What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes." When you think about it that's a little discontenting. But even after reading those verses, do you really believe you could vanish at any minute? That perhaps today you will die? Or do you instead feel some how invincible? Frederick Buechner writes, "Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we don't really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live our live as though our lives would go on forever."
        Nothing up there ^^^^^^^ was Jamie's words. I take no credit for that. Just a reminder (:, but wow doesn't that kind of put our "I live life to the fullest" statement to shame? Do you honestly, whole-heartedly think that you live each day, each second as if you could die at the drop of a hat? Do you realize how different our world would be if we ACTUALLY lived like that. I'm assuming most of you who read this (not including adults-well maybe some adults :P) have heard of Wiz Khalifa, right? Yah, can't believe I'm talking about him but here are some lyrics from his song "Young, Wild, and Free": "So what we get drunk? So what we smoke weed? We’re just having fun, we don’t care who sees. So what we go out? That’s how its supposed to be, Living young and wild and free." I'm probably not the only one who thinks that this is how some people (a good chunk) in our world lives today, "living their lives to the fullest." It honestly breaks my heart how people waste their lives away for partying, drugs, alcohol, sex, and fitting into what our society has made as "the norm". To me "the norm" shouldn't be that smoking weed on a weekly basis for a 13 year old is normal. Our lives here are so minuscule, so so small, but what we do and how we spend our time here determines OUR ETERNITY. Should't that matter? Shouldn't that influence people to change their lives and use their time more wisely. People think they have time. People say, "Once I'm older I'll change, let me be young and have fun." No people. You don't have time, you have no idea when your life here will end. If you died tonight in your sleep could you honestly say you are happy the way you lived your life, whether you are in your 40's or if your 15. Are you okay with the mark you left on this world? More importantly, what is in your heart, at this very moment, matters. People may think I'm overreacting, but GET REAL PEOPLE. This is the reality of our lives here. Yes, it's very scary to think about this, but we have to. If you knew you would die in 5 min, do you know where you'd end up once you left this earth? Does your double-digit of years that you lived here matter more than forever?
          This is another quote from the book: " One of the most powerful examples I've seen of this was Stan Gerlach, a successful businessman who was well known in the community. Stan was giving a eulogy at a memorial service when he decided to share the gospel. At the end of his message, Stan told the mourners, "You never know when God is going to take your life. At that moment, there is nothing you can do about it. Are you ready?" Then Stan sat down, fell over, and died."
         I take no credit for that^^^^^^^. This could easily happen to any of us or any of our loved ones. Are you getting just a little understanding of how serious this is?? Do you care about your salvation or the salvation of the people you love enough to make a change??
          Another example from the book: "Brooke Bronkowski was a beautiful fourteen-year-old girl who was in love with Jesus. When she was in junior high, she started a bible study on her campus. She spent her babysitting money on Bibles so she could give them out to her unsaved friends. Youth pastors who heard about this brought her boxes of Bibles to give away. Brooke wrote the following essay when she was about twelve; it will give you an idea of the kind of girl she was. The title of the essay is "Since I Have My Life Before Me": "I'll live my life to the fullest. I'll be happy. I'll brighten up. I will be more joyful than I ever have been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell others about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles, but instead will helps others with their troubles. You see, I'll be one of those people who live to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I'll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact that's all I remember, just good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest. I'll be one of those people who go somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back. I'll set an example for others, I will pray for direction. I have my life before me. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tells me to do. I will follow the footsteps of God. I will do my best!!!" During her freshman year in high school, Brooke was in a car accident while driving to the movies. Her life on earth ended when she was just fourteen, but her impact didn't. Nearly 1,500 people attended her funeral...I shared the gospel and invited those who wanted to know Jesus to come up and give their lives to Him. There must have been at least 200 hundred students on their knees infront of the church praying for salvation. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, " It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart." Stories of people who died after living Godly lives are stories with happy endings. Sadly, many people die while living selfishly."(not living a life in Christ)
        I take no credit for that^^^^^^^. She was just 14, at 14 years old she saved more than 200 people's lives by handing out bibles. How small of an act is that?!? A lot of you may think the little things you do to help people don't matter, but this is a huge example of what showing Jesus' love can do. Your life can leave a huge impact on this world. You can live the life God has planned for you, if you give in and give him the reigns. It is sooo sooo worth it. Reading this story of Brooke brought tears to my eyes, tears of happiness for what such a young person could do to so many people, but tears of sadness and desperation for the people I know and love that NEED Christ. I don't know what I can say to convince them anymore, but I know my God will step in when it's His time, and He will make a way.
    More book:  A.W. Tozer once said, "A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God (we are made in the image and likeness of God). This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief." When we face the holy God, "nice" isn't what we will be concerned with and it definitely won't be what He will be thinking about. Any compliments you received on earth will be gone; all that will be left for you is truth. The church is Sardis had a great reputation, but it didn't matter. Jesus said to them, "I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead" (Revelation 3:1) All that matters is the reality of who we are before God. (Jamie's words: How a person acts can be completely different from what's really on their heart, that's why examining your heart is SOOO important- check out 1 Corinthians 3:13-15 if you'd like more explanation of revelation 3:1-google it if you need to) Perhaps that sounds harsh, but harsh words and loving truth go hand in hand. I think it's easy to hear a story like Brooke's and easily move on, without acknowledging that it could just as easily be you or me whose life suddenly ends. You could be the next person in your family to die. We have to realize it. We have to believe it enough that it changes how we live. A friend of mine has a particularly wise perspective on this subject. He was asked if he was spending too much time serving and giving too much away. His gentle, but honest response was, "I wonder if you'll say that after we're dead." We need to stop living selfish lives, forgetful of our God. Our lives here are short, often unexpectedly so, and we can all stand to be reminded of it from time to time."
      I take no credit for that ^^^^^^^^^^ All of this is super emotionally exhausting for me, but this next part is the biggest part in this post. To me I feel like it could never be stressed enough. Lukewarm. Do you know what that means? Well if you don't, think of lukewarm as being "half-hearted." In Francis' book he gave so many examples of a Lukewarm faith, but I will discuss a few of them. Lukewarm Christianity is EVERYWHERE and it's really sad. I'm very guilty of this, but THANK GOD HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT- or to put it in more socially accepted words: "we'd be screwed without it." If I were to describe what a lukewarm faith was I'd say it's someone who say's they are a Christian, and sometimes does "Christian-y" things like goes to church, or helps at the food shelf etc, but the person they really are doesn't reflect what a Christian is at all. It would be like if a stranger was looking a someone with a lukewarm faith and you told them that person was a Christian, they'd be all "whhatt!??". It just cuts me really deep because I know of so many people like this. It's so. hard. to. watch. Especially when you care about that person SOO much. I'm also filled with guilt for the times when I am lukewarm. I really want you guys to understand that I'm not portraying myself as perfect, I'm not trying to call people out on their faults, my hands are not clean. Some of you may say how hypocritical this post is, but we are all guilty, I'm aware that I sin too. One thing that really erks me is when I see someone with a cross tattooed on their back with the words "only God can judge me" and all I can think is, "Pfff, that person doesn't even care about God." This is a very judgmental point coming from me, but it is something that is super frustrating. Or someone will say, "I asked Jesus into my heart a long time ago, so I'm saved.", but the way they live their life is far from Christian, just asking God into your heart won't give you salvation. If you ask God into your heart, but go on with your life as if you don't know Jesus what good was done at all? What was the point? Living a Christian lifestyle is a persistent, day-to-day thing. As James 2:26 says, "Faith without works, is dead." Don't talk the talk, if you can't walk the walk, right? But back to the major point of this. As hard as it is to say this, this is what Jesus thinks about Lukewarm Christians in Revelation 3:15-18 "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see." There is no being on the fence with God; you are either all in or all out.This isn't the most pleasant thing I've ever heard Jesus say. I do not want to see myself or the people I love be put in this category. I won't let it happen. And I'm hoping this post reaches them along the way, because I've tried and tried, but nothing seems to help them.
         More from the book: "My conclusion? Jesus' call to commitment is clear: He wants all or nothing. The thought of a person calling himself a "Christian" without being a devoted follower is absurd. Lets face it, we're willing to make changes in our lives only if we think it affects our salvation. This is why I have so many people ask me questions like, Can I divorce my wife and still go to heaven, do I need to be baptized to get saved, If I commit suicide can I still go to heaven, If I have sex with my girlfriend do I still go to heaven?" etc. To me, these questions are tragic because they reveal much about the state of our hearts. They demonstrate that our concern is more about going to heaven, than loving our King. Jesus said in John 14:15, " If you love me, you will obey my command." And our question quickly becomes even more unthinkable: Can I go to heaven without truly and faithfully following Jesus? I don't see anywhere in the scripture that says yes. James 2:19 says, " You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder." God doesn't just want us to have good theology; He wants us to know and love Him. 1 John 2:3-4 says, "We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man says, "I know Him", but does not do what he commands is a liar and truth is not in him." Matthew 16: 24-25 Jesus says, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Luke 14:33 says, "Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." Some people claim that we can be Christians without necessarily becoming disciples. I wonder, then, why the last thing Jesus told us was to go into the world, making disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey all that he commanded? You'll notice that he didn't add in, "But hey if that too much to ask, tell them to just become Christians- you know the people who go to heaven without having to commit to anything."
       I take no credit ^^^^^^^^^ There yah have it folks. Some hard evidence from the Word. I've struggled with this concept for awhile, wondering if I became Christian because I love Jesus or that I'm trying to avoid hell. That is a scary thought. But that's why I continuously work towards bettering myself. I'm working on falling crazy in love with Jesus. I don't want to say I'm Christian because I'd rather spend eternity Heaven than in Hell. I want to say I'm a Christian because I love Jesus Christ, the most faithful, loving, and most forgiving person there ever was who died so I could live. Francis then goes onto say that all Christians have lukewarm elements in their lives, and that it is God's grace that saves us from those elements. God's word clearly states that there is some room for our failure and sin in our pursuit of God. God knows we are human. So I'm hoping this didn't all scare you guys away from the idea of God. Our God is very loving, gracious and full of mercy. For those of you who aren't sure if you're Christian yet or if you're just beginning, know that our God is not a scary God, like all of these things I've been talking about. He has a love for you beyond anything you will ever be able to grasp (He was willing to let go of his son FOR YOU!) and He wants to give you the BEST life that He can give you. It is better than the life you have planned for yourself. He won't force you into choosing Him or loving Him. That is a choice you have to make. I promise you it is worth it. My whole life hasn't been the same since April 6th, 2009 when I fully committed my heart to Christ. It isn't easy, Jesus, never said it would be. But it will be worth it.  He wants to be your best friend. He's the best person to vent to. If you are wondering where to start changing, remember LOVE is the most important part of this life. 1 Corinthian 13:4-8 is the very famous passage that says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." A really awesome mentor of mine once told me to replace my name in that verse every time is says love, so "Jamie is patient, Jamie is kind.."etc. If you try that, that will remind you of how you should live your life. God has been showing me so many things I need to work on in my life lately. There is always more room for growth. It's an amazing blessing to be able to better myself with the help of my God. I really couldn't do this life without Him. Francis ends the chapter with these questions that I feel are very important to remember: 

"Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?"      

  To end this HUGE novel I'd just like to say thank you to the people still reading this and that I hoped it opened your eyes, and made you think like it did to me. You're awesome (: and God loves you veryyyyyy much! Also, since I already gave you a good chunk of Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love,  and you liked it, I definitely recommend getting it! (:

.....woooofta. 2:30 a.m.? yuppp sleeppy time for this girl.